a couple of weeks ago i lost my ipod.
and for most people, it’d be like “aw, crap, i don’t have a couple hundred dollars to replace it”, but for me it was more like “holy shit, my life is over”.
i’m not dramatic, okay?
my computer killed itself a little while ago, so the songs i had on my ipod were a mix between what i already had, and music i’d acquired from friends on their computers. which, okay, no big deal… except half my friends have either moved out of the city, or they’ve fallen off the face of the earth, so it kind of matters to me. mostly because these are the songs that got me through every single day when i was essentially living on biz and khala’s couch… the songs i’d listen to, still drunk as all hell, heading into work at 7:30 in the morning. the songs that i could relate to, so completely, and they gave me hope.
is that stupid?
is anyone else so completely in love with music they would tongue-kiss it and take it on a date and totally call it back? i would introduce music to my mother, and i would cuddle it after i bang it.
there were probably 100 different genres of music on my ipod, and i listened to every song at least one billion times since january 2010. a year, guys. that’s like, one of the longest relationships i’ve had with ANYTHING, not including m or malt liquor. (haha?)
SO. i was heading home from work one night a few weeks ago, and realized it wasn’t in my purse. and i don’t ever take it out of my purse. because i don’t even leave the house without it already on. i’m commited like that.
so for the last few weeks, every bus ride to and from work was spent shooting daggers and death glares to every girl who has hit puberty and bleeds once a month who was wearing a fucking cat hat, or any useless piece of garbage who would spend more than five minutes (yelling) on their phone when it wasn’t even 6pm and free yet, like, CAN’T YOU WAIT TWENTY MINUTES TIL YOU’RE HOME SO I DON’T COMMIT MASS MURDER?!
i’m not good at humans.
so whatever. my good buddy liz messaged me a few days ago saying that she had an extra ipod and would i like to have it before i go to jail for beating up the elderly on the 85 route home.
um, yes please.
and obviously because i am a huge music nazi, i had to delete like, 99.8% of the garbage that was on there because, no i will not listen to frigging john mayer or lady gaga ON PURPOSE. i am trying to be less shitty, remember?
but there were a few things i kept, like the entire tegan & sara discography (duh), and like, maybe five or six acoustic songs from indie bands i secretly pretend to hate, and also one album from the be good tanyas because they are better than i remembered and there’s that one song that makes me all gooey in the heart, and also the 7 against me! songs i wanted to give another shot because i hadn’t listened to against me! since i was thirteen and playing duck hunt on NES in my friend’s basement, drinking VEX.
EVERYTHING else was deleted and replaced with psych punk from the 80s, a bunch of pussy galore and dr dre, and like, 4 new order albums. i still have tons of room, but there is only so much of dan’s music i can listen to without wanting to slit my very own wrists.
that being said, my ipod was on shuffle this morning, and this against me! song came on… i hadn’t really paid attention to the words until now because they wouldn’t have meant shit when i was a kid, but now they fucking resonated something fierce.
if she wants to dance and drink all night
then there’s no one that can stop her.
she’s going until the house lights come up
or her stomach spills onto the floor.
this night is going to end
when we’re damn well ready for it to be over.
worked all week long now the music is playing on our time.
we do what we do to get by, and then we need a release.
you get mixed up with the wrong guys.
you get messed up on the wrong drugs.
sometimes the party takes you places
that you didn’t really plan on going.
when people see the track marks on her arms
she knows what they’re thinking.
she keeps on working for that minimum,
as if a high school education offered any other options.
they don’t know nothing about redemption.
they don’t know nothing about recovery.
and the song ends with this line:
if she had to live it all over again, you know she wouldn’t change anything for the world
i STILL have goosebumps.