thrash unreal

a couple of weeks ago i lost my ipod.

and for most people, it’d be like “aw, crap, i don’t have a couple hundred dollars to replace it”, but for me it was more like “holy shit, my life is over”.

i’m not dramatic, okay?

my computer killed itself a little while ago, so the songs i had on my ipod were a mix between what i already had, and music i’d acquired from friends on their computers. which, okay, no big deal… except half my friends have either moved out of the city, or they’ve fallen off the face of the earth, so it kind of matters to me. mostly because these are the songs that got me through every single day when i was essentially living on biz and khala’s couch… the songs i’d listen to, still drunk as all hell, heading into work at 7:30 in the morning. the songs that i could relate to, so completely, and they gave me hope.

is that stupid?

is anyone else so completely in love with music they would tongue-kiss it and take it on a date and totally call it back? i would introduce music to my mother, and i would cuddle it after i bang it.


there were probably 100 different genres of music on my ipod, and i listened to every song at least one billion times since january 2010. a year, guys. that’s like, one of the longest relationships i’ve had with ANYTHING, not including m or malt liquor. (haha?)

SO. i was heading home from work one night a few weeks ago, and realized it wasn’t in my purse. and i don’t ever take it out of my purse. because i don’t even leave the house without it already on. i’m commited like that.

so for the last few weeks, every bus ride to and from work was spent shooting daggers and death glares to every girl who has hit puberty and bleeds once a month who was wearing a fucking cat hat, or any useless piece of garbage who would spend more than five minutes (yelling) on their phone when it wasn’t even 6pm and free yet, like, CAN’T YOU WAIT TWENTY MINUTES TIL YOU’RE HOME SO I DON’T COMMIT MASS MURDER?!


i’m not good at humans.

so whatever. my good buddy liz messaged me a few days ago saying that she had an extra ipod and would i like to have it before i go to jail for beating up the elderly on the 85 route home.

um, yes please.

and obviously because i am a huge music nazi, i had to delete like, 99.8% of the garbage that was on there because, no i will not listen to frigging john mayer or lady gaga ON PURPOSE. i am trying to be less shitty, remember?

but there were a few things i kept, like the entire tegan & sara discography (duh), and like, maybe five or six acoustic songs from indie bands i secretly pretend to hate, and also one album from the be good tanyas because they are better than i remembered and there’s that one song that makes me all gooey in the heart, and also the 7 against me! songs i wanted to give another shot because i hadn’t listened to against me! since i was thirteen and playing duck hunt on NES in my friend’s basement, drinking VEX.

EVERYTHING else was deleted and replaced with psych punk from the 80s, a bunch of pussy galore and dr dre, and like, 4 new order albums. i still have tons of room, but there is only so much of dan’s music i can listen to without wanting to slit my very own wrists.

that being said, my ipod was on shuffle this morning, and this against me! song came on… i hadn’t really paid attention to the words until now because they wouldn’t have meant shit when i was a kid, but now they fucking resonated something fierce.

if she wants to dance and drink all night
then there’s no one that can stop her.
she’s going until the house lights come up
or her stomach spills onto the floor.
this night is going to end
when we’re damn well ready for it to be over.
worked all week long now the music is playing on our time.
we do what we do to get by, and then we need a release.

you get mixed up with the wrong guys.
you get messed up on the wrong drugs.
sometimes the party takes you places
that you didn’t really plan on going.
when people see the track marks on her arms
she knows what they’re thinking.
she keeps on working for that minimum,
as if a high school education offered any other options.
they don’t know nothing about redemption.
they don’t know nothing about recovery.

woah, right?

and the song ends with this line:

if she had to live it all over again, you know she wouldn’t change anything for the world


i STILL have goosebumps.


thank you

i always feel like i’m in a bit of a rut between moves.

i get the keys in three days, and i move in ten. i don’t have to worry about much packing because almost everything i own is in a storage facility half-way across the city (cue tiny violin and wrist slitting). i put all my movies and books into boxes last night, at my parents’ house. all i have left to do is take everything off the walls, and put all my clothes into garbage bags.

but otherwise, i spent 90% of the time living on these girls’ couch or bed- and it has been quite the experience.

i’ve known bizKoti almost ten years, and i’ve known khala for about a year. they took me in and completely took care of me when i needed someone the most. i spent most of my relationship with andy in isolation in our house. granted, it was winter and i was lazy, but i was lonely none the less. i spent most of my free time cooking, hanging out in our giant bed with the cat, or with his friends. i’m so grateful bizKoti and some other friends made the trek out to my house to party every once in a while, but being away from andy has made me infinitely happier. he’s wonderful, he’s handsome, he’s funny, and i loved being around him- but it wasn’t the life i wanted. i missed my city life, being surrounded by all my friends, and being independent.

i can’t wait to get that back.

i’m so grateful for everything khala and bizKoti have done for me. all the late nights, the dinners, the early mornings before work spent laughing in the washroom, the inside jokes, the naps, the shopping, the trips, the amount of times bizKoti showed me her vagina to cheer me up, the dancing, the bottles upon bottles of wine, “would you?”, … i missed having best girlfriends i could really rely on (something i hadn’t had in years)…

i’m so glad my new place is only a few blocks from theirs, so i can still harass them and eat their food when i feel homesick.

i love you babesicles.