my self-respect means more to me than you do (or at least it used to)

i remember the beer caught in my throat
and the lonely comfort of my only winter coat
i could tell you exactly when i fell
it was back when i did not know you so well

– pony up

i have felt stuck for 6 months; trapped in what i thought could potentially be a healthy, fruitful relationship. i stood my ground mostly, i foolishly gave in occasionally, and i ignored my gut from the start. and finally, finally, i’ve let go. luc has the potential to be a good person- i know it because i’ve seen it. but he also has the ability to be a negative, mean, and rude person to me, and i’ve witnessed it more than i would have liked to. i stuck around with the hopes of positive change, maturity development, and paved paths for something i thought could be great. but i was sorrily mistaken, and i was obviously let down.

and what kind of person am i- to have strung him along during my indecisiveness? granted he knew where i stood on the matter- that’s not the point. i’ve made a decision for him, for myself, for our friends (who have been waiting as patiently as he has), for our family (who all had faith this would pan out into something greater)… i’m letting go for everyone’s sake. for my sanity. for my peace of mind. for my freedom.

i’ve always been a boyfriend type of girl. i spent my years in junior high kissing older boys at arenas, holding hands under desks, writing love letters, or having “boyfriends” over when i wasn’t allowed. i stumbled into high school and instantly fell into a life of drugs, sex and alcohol. i remember stealing cars with biz, or drinking 40s of beer in a friend’s living room in the projects. we’d do graffiti at the skate park, drink vodka in alleyways, sleep in the parks. it wasn’t glamourous, but i had the time of my life. i met m when i’d calmed down from that stuff- and it seemed the sight of him made those feelings of danger and apathy resurface almost instantly. being with m made me feel so fucking alive. in the beginning, we’d party all night, and lay in bed together all day. it was the perfect mix of teenage rebellion & young love. i had it all.

and when i wasn’t with m, i toyed around with older boys, had flings in different cities, and genuinely couldn’t find it in me to give a shit about anyone who wasn’t m. until andy- and with andy came a mixed feeling of relief and resentment. i missed the danger, and i missed the feeling of not knowing what came next. and by the same token, i couldn’t be happier to wake up to the same person everyday- to someone who lived to make me happy. i had never been in a better, more stable place in my life.

i’ve gotten over the lifestyle i had before and during my relationship with m. living that lifestyle now is only rebelling against myself- i’ve lived a life with andy that opened my eyes to what i want in the future. and since leaving him and our beautiful home, couch hopping and drinking myself into oblivion and fucking B. so i could feel something- anything… i’ve finally figured out what i wanted.

maybe i stuck around for luc and i’s bullshit rollercoaster of misunderstood emotions because i was lost. i saw something in him i thought i wanted, and i was stupid enough to let it lead both of our lives. i should have known to trust my gut from the get-go; to not give into feelings i know are superficial.

he’s an idiot if he thinks for a minute i never cared. i spent every waking moment talking to him, about him, or spending time with him. i was hoping so badly that i could have a change of heart, accept him for who he is, and just be with him. and although his heart of gold helped me realize how selfless he can be- it also made me see a side of him i wish i’d never gotten to know at all.

i can’t count the amount of times he told me we were ruining each others’ lives. it may have been a joke at the time, but deep down i think both of us knew it was true. i’ve been holding back when i meet new people- refusing to let my emotions with them get the best of me because of the man at home who was waiting for me, so patiently. maybe down the road i’ll kick myself for letting go the one person who stuck around through everything in hopes i’d give in. maybe i’ll kick myself for giving up a chance at building a family, again. another chance i had at letting someone in and seeing the real me- the me that has feelings and enjoys kissing and waking up next to someone- sharing my life with someone.

maybe…

but i’ve been sticking to “maybe” since i was a kid, and i’m sick of basing my life on what if’s… the last time i used schrödinger’s thought experiment as a means to making my decision, i got horribly burned- needless to say, the cat was very much dead, and i’ve never been good at quantum mechanics anyway.

my point is this: i’m moving on for me. i can’t keep tip-toe-ing around people’s feelings trying to save them, when all i need now is to save myself. i need to be alone (for once), and let the chips fall where they may. i’m not looking anymore… the best things will happen when i least expect them to.

that being said, friday will be my last day working for the company i’ve been with for 3 years. they offered me a position i couldn’t possibly take, and thus have no choice but to leave (with a heavy heart). i’m trying to stay positive though- working here has taught me responsibility and proper business etiquette. i’ve been fortunate enough to have participated in out-of-town business conferences in which i got the opportunity to step outside of myself and interact with other business associates from across the country. i met the president of the company, and have built a a fabulous working relationship with the VP of sales (who wants to reference me to other businesses looking for a young firecracker like me). i worked with some pretty energetic and positive people, and i was lucky enough to be part of the most amazing sales team, and built a special relationship with each of the representatives. i’m sad to leave, but this is such a good opportunity to look for something else and thrive. i can use these tools to be a better me, and build a more stable future.

i never thought i’d go from being the young naive little girl i was, to the strong, outgoing, business woman i’ve become. it stings sometimes, to catch my glance in the mirror and see that i’ve totally given into the man- that i’ve bitten the bullet and become a slave to my bitch- but that’s life, right? that’s growing up.

i crashed and burned into 2010 like a rocket on fire spiralling to the core- and i was so scared i wouldn’t make it out alive. i’m a victim of my own demons and i get lost sometimes, but i’m working on that. in january 2010 i was boyfriendless, virtually homeless, and teetering close to unemployment (because of my drinking habits), but i pulled through. with the help of friends and family, i made it out of this again, and only good things can come from this wreckage.

i need to take all of this and start fresh- learn everything again with a new, open heart.

i’m a single, independent woman looking for new beginnings- in relationships, employment, and life in general.

bring it on, motherfucker.

topless trips, montreal madness, and bad-ass babes

i’ve been feeling a little down and out lately. i’m really trying to stay positive but i feel like i’m falling into a bit of a rut again. on friday i went to adam’s show around midnight and m walked into the bar. i panicked briefly, had trouble breathing for a few minutes, and then immediately snapped out of it. he’s leaving the city shortly and i’m a grown woman. i need to know how to deal with these situations with grace. i could feel his eyes on me; i glanced over and he looked like he was going to cry- i immediately looked away and kept busy. he disappeared from the bar shortly after and i hadn’t seen him again for the night.

it was tania’s birthday on saturday so i decided to take a last minute trip to montreal with biz and zoe. the party was a blast- it was quite small but it was full of pop-punk sing-alongs and dancing. tania happens to live above sergio’s house (who i finally spoke of last week), but the house is undergoing some renovations so he was spending the night at his girlfriend’s mother’s house across the city. i think it’s best i didn’t see him anyway- i was feeling rowdy and alive. some of his bandmates did come though, so it was great to see them. we finally went to sleep when the sun came up- i went downstairs, and slept in the house i hadn’t been in since i’d spent the night with sergio- giggling under covers in his yellow bedroom. this time was different- a friend and i slept on blankets and a small mattress behind a couch. i woke up to kisses and bite marks on my neck.

this is definitely the mini-trip i needed- granted i didn’t sleep and i’m exhausted, i absolutely LOVE visiting my friends in montreal. i do have great pictures from the party, that i’ll likely get around to posting after work- but in the meantime i do have some blackberry pictures from the drive there and back. there’s nothing i love more than fast cars, bad music, and good friends on a mini road trip!

pre-montreal samosa and a polkadot dress!

nothing like topless road trips!


i was wrecked on the way back- we made about 5 stops for liquids and greasy food.

gatorade tongue!

$1 litre o’ cola

la belle province poutine with extra cheese!

i don’t have pictures, but we TOTALLY also stopped for milkshakes. who let’s us drive anywhere? it normally takes us two hours to get home- but we left at 4 and i didn’t get back home until roughly 8. why rush home when there’s wu tang to rap to, and bad food to stop for?

bizkoti and i got silly up front

while zoe died in the back

it was awesome seeing everyone, and i love taking mini trips with biz. we’re hopping to drive down to new york for a few days this summer. she’s one of the only people i can travel with without either panicking or totally losing my shit. everyone is so damn uptight about everything all the time! anyway, i got home and promptly removed my pants, heated up some leftover poutine, watched a chick-flick, and did this:

soooo much of it.

these are the humans i associate with?!

becca’s 4am dance-time hangouts on top of my fridge… waiting for a bagel

kevin, wearing my snuggie THE WRONG WAY (also sporting my pink leopard print panties)

blackout bizkoti- dead to the world

kevin’s pre-party-bubble-bath

becca and andrew’s post-party-pre-birthday-party nap

post birthday party breakfast- liquids only 😦

kevin pouring beer on his crotch, in fact confirming that yes, this one’s for his homies

the montrealers came in friday night and we went to a show down the street. casey’s band slept over that night and we partied until all hours of the morning. saturday was spent napping and cleaning. that night the troops came over for my birthday party. my engineer friend rob made a double sided beer bong that stood about 7 feet tall. i beer bonged a 40 of malt liquor (didn’t die), danced to new order until 4 in the morning with dan, and ate bagels on my fridge with becca and kevin.

on sunday night bizkoti and i went to modnight. i was a successful night until about 3:30 am. i’ll save you all the gory details but pranks were played, windows were broken, bizkoti almost bled out on my living room floor, ambulances were called, 7 hours were spent in the ER/OR, hospital supplies were successfully pulled from shelves and put into my purse (i pay my taxes, dammit!), my sarcasm was rudely denied by approximately 5 different doctors (the operating room is not a funny place at 6 in the morning- who knew?!), mc donald’s breakfast was consumed in my bed at 11:30am monday morning upon my return, and my back was rubbed until i fell asleep.

it was a 4 inch laceration and she barely missed her achilles tendon and an artery. suffice it to say DIS BISH WAS LUCKY!

anyway, bizkoti is resting up at her mum’s place in the east end of the city, and is under strict orders not to stand on it for at least 7 days. luc was amazing enough to stay at my place, mop up the pints of blood she lost, and take care of moose the cat while i was taking care of bizkoti and robbing that hospital blind. needless to say i made an amazing first impression on my neighbours (who i’d only met a few hours previously), and i totally had to turn the pizza man away (who we’d called on our way back from the bar). bizkoti was a champ though, and mostly held her shit together (until the needles came out), and i’m just happy she’s okay.

although slightly jealous that she’s on bedrest and eating pizza in her underwear, watching cable at her mum’s place for a week straight.

maybe i should start kicking people’s windows in?

i’m only half-kidding.

i have honestly never seen that much blood in my life.

it was some straight up CSI shit!

i am basically horatio.