oh, hey! i lived! …also, an award

the fabulous cottage getaway wasn’t nearly the relaxing, happy weekend i was hoping it would be- but some good times were had despite everything. the highlights were definitely the drinking games, the girliness, and the sunshine. also, my 3 hour nap, keanu reeves jokes, and cheap beer. i don’t normally hangout with chainsmokers and that DEFINITELY put a damper on the weekend- i have a huge cough, my lungs hurt, and i can’t swallow. GREAT! yeah, yeah i’m whiny… i don’t give a care. now i have to nurse this awful pain all week.

i hate everything!

anyway, this was the view i had saturday morning when i was drinking my bailey’s coffee on the deck:

this was saturday’s amazing dinner! that garlic bread was to die for…

gold bikinis & sunshine

amanda and i ❤

luc babysat moose all weekend and sent me this adorable picture to assure me that all was well at my homeland and the boy was being wonderful as always

in other awesome news, jess over at the bottle chronicles gave me an award!

here are this award’s rules:

• thank the person who gave you this award.
• share 7 things about yourself.
• pass this award on to 15 bloggers you’ve discovered and who you think are fantastic!

thanks for the honour, sugar! jess has a gorgeous baby boy, a super fun blog, and an intense love for milkshakes! 😉 head on over to check her out and share the love.

seven things about me:
1. i have a phobia of cucumbers
2. my favourite colour is gold
3. i love sleeping alone
4. i can’t peel oranges
5. i’m allergic to cats
6. i love to cook, clean, and do laundry
7. (i hate to admit that) i’m an elitest when it comes to the tattoo industry

fifteen bloggers i’m addicted to:
brittany @ barefoot foodie
erika @ be gay about it
bhj @ the bhj.com
emma @ divorced before 30
emily @ emily jane
emily @ emmie bee.com
beckey @ hippo brigade
kristi @ kristi maristi
nick @ macheesmo
coco @ mommyhood & life
nic @ my bottles up
emily @ poppy milk face
sarah @ silly grrl
carrie @ the sweetest
jen @ the trephine

thanks again, jess!

xo

– e

how you drove me off

i’m tired of being the interesting one
i’m tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and i might lay myself down by you
but don’t sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you

     – a.d.

not being with someone has never been more exhausting. i don’t know whether i’m trying to convince myself i don’t want to date at all, or that i just don’t want to date him. the prospect of having a boy message me at 4am because he wants to come over and kiss me on my birthday, or the fact that a friend told me i was pretty (no, but for real, kidding aside, so pretty), those things… from those different people, still have me on my toes- wanting more.

i feel like i’ve been hiding. when i moved out of me and andy’s house, i spent four months drowning in drugs, sex, & alcohol (and had the time of my fucking life) and now i feel so far gone. i pulled myself out, found a place to live, and got back on my feet. sometimes i worry that i spent so many years feeding my demons that i’ve lost myself entirely. do you ever feel that way? like you’ve spent so much time being bad that being good seems to involve too much effort. that’s how i feel. i see the bad in people because i know i’ll break whatever good that’s left inside of them.

i don’t want to be responsible for that.

when m. was gone and i was living in our attic apartment alone while he was on his coke binges, i used to come home and passout in bed with my shoes on, listening to records really loud. i wanted to remember what it was like to care so little about things that would normally make my skin crawl. like wearing boots in bed or falling asleep to the angry slur of subhumans. when m. would finally come home i never had anything to say. i would anger-fuck him until my legs went numb and then i’d get drunk when he’d leave again. was it simpler to just be ignored, and live my life as a single woman until he’d come home again? fuck, sometimes i don’t even know. did he damage me with the abuse? or did i damage him because i didn’t give a fuck?

my best friend left the city a few months ago. the weekend before he left we spent the afternoon in bed snorting k and listening to morissey. i don’t even fucking like morissey. but i remember thinking this was the last time i’d ever have him this way. he was so pure, you know? i never loved anyone the way i loved him- without ever having to do anything at all. we just laid there and laughed. i felt my whole body go numb- i couldn’t even cry if i wanted to, and i remember really wanting to. when the sun finally fell we walked down the street to pick up beer and we drank until we forgot.

you see that’s just what i mean.

i get so angry with these people sometimes, i just want to forget. i want to forget how to cook a decent meal from scratch, or sort laundry like my mother does, or hold someone until they fall asleep. i want to forget how to meet families, or hold babies, or love someone so hard my insides shake. i want to forget because it always gets ripped from me.

it’s so much easier to stay out until 4 in the morning than it is to get everything done that needs to get done before 10 o’clock on a wednesday. it’s so much easier to fuck dudes you don’t have to call back than it is to invest yourself emotionally in a person who will likely fuck your best friend or pin you against a wall and scream at you for being useless. it’s so much easier to fall asleep facing the wall than it is to try and find someone who actually meshes with your body- someone who just fits when all you want to do is sleep. it’s so much easier to flirt with all of your friends because you all have so much in common, than it is to find someone who genuinely wants you- only you, for exactly who and what you are.

despite everything.

despite everything.

i’m trying.

the one in which i act like a six-year-old.

lately it seems all i do is eat, sleep, and work.

oh hi, where has my life gone?!

this weekend the boyfriend, some friends, and i are heading to upstate NY for porksgiving and downtime in a small cabin. i’m looking forward to heavy amounts of alcohol, and some much needed feast club bonding (without the other bodies that are usually around for parties- bless their hearts)

i’m just in a bit of a funk lately and there seems to always be a handful of people around that i really wish would just keep to themselves for ONENIGHTOHMAHGAH. i’m seriously rethinking certain friendships considering peoples’ brand new personalities (rubbing off from their brand new jobs and brand new friends, and brand new douche baggery).

i don’t necessarily appreciate
a. being made fun of
b. being patronized
c. being yelled at

by undeserving, underworked, spoiled KIDS who don’t know their left foot from their right when it comes to LIFE’s real issues.

oh cool! rage!

so there.

tonight’s plan: seafood dinner date with gwen
tomorrow’s plan: weight class & yoga with laura and joey
friday – sunday’s plan: porksgiving