now THAT’S friendship!

katie joy says:
i found this wireless remote control vibrator

katie joy says:
that i really want to buy

katie joy says:
which i think would be fun for going out to dinner

elle says:
oh my god!

elle says:
youre so funny.

elle says:
wait… would it be totally weird if we both got that, and went out to dinner together? and made fun of each other.

katie joy says:
basically it would be hilarious since we’d obvs have to trade controllers?

elle says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

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tuesday night: how do these things actually fucking happen?!

i’d just like to warn all of you that the following conversation is in NO WAY PG13.

here are the things that apparently happened last night, recanted by ashley and i via instant messenger:

bizKoti says:
oh hay

elle says:
im going to kill myself?

elle says:
i lost my voice completely. alcoholism wins again!

bizKoti says:
ahahah

bizKoti says:
im really not hung over really.

bizKoti says:
maybe a little but not really

elle says:
i cant get over our destructo-night and how fucking epic it was

elle says:
yeah cause you got to sleep, you dick!

elle says:
i got to listen to you getting reamed for an hour and then come to WORK! i love everything

elle says:
like. did you break your bed?

bizKoti says:
ahahahahagahaahahahah\

elle says:
is your vagina still in tact?

elle says:
i think i heard him grunt

elle says:
R. and i were talking and i was like “zomg zomg zomg i think ashley just lost a limb”

bizKoti says:
remember when i said i wouldnt have sex until julie does?

elle says:
most epic fail of 2010

bizKoti says:
i ruined that like 4 times

elle says:
HAHAHAHAHAh

elle says:
i know. i was THERE.

bizKoti says:
ahahahhaha

elle says:
R. asked me to go over and give him kisses at 4am. but i was so drunk i felt like my legs were broken.

bizKoti says:
oh no

elle says:
like

elle says:
had he been there, i would have thrust my crotch at him and given him predator eyes at the bar

elle says:
it would have been really sexy

bizKoti says:
ahahahha

elle says:
also, ben left SUPER angry at me

bizKoti says:
oh no. why?

elle says:
cause he kept asking me to cuddle. and at that point i was like… dude i have to be at work soon. i need SOME sleep. and im not gonna sleep well if i have to cuddle my buddy and hold in my farts

elle says:
and he was like… well im taking the big couch. and i told him to fuck himself because i have a job and need real sleeps. he can die. and he put on his shirt and ignored me for 5 minutes and then left like… stomping everything

bizKoti says:
AHAHAHAHAH

bizKoti says:
hey remember when i nearly fucked D. on the couch with you guys on the other one? last night was ridiculous omg

elle says:
YEAH THAT WASNT THE MOST AWKWARD THING EVER

bizKoti says:
omg

bizKoti says:
thats hilarious

elle says:
WE WERE HAVING CONVOS WHILE HE WAS STICKING SHIT IN YOU

bizKoti says:
nono we never actually had sex downstairs

elle says:
hahahaha i know

elle says:
but you were looking at me while he was touching you!

elle says:
it was nice

bizKoti says:
ahahah this is entirely true

elle says:
you and i are basically married, except we get to fuck dudes.

elle says:
its the best deal ever

elle says:
i actually love how you and i disappeared from everyone, managed to commit like 3 felonies in ten minutes, and then returned to fucking party more at the bar.

bizKoti says:
I KNOW

elle says:
like honestly..

bizKoti says:
i love how D. threw his cup full of beer too. fuck.

elle says:
if anyone else had come back to your apartment to pee, they would have been like “WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!!?!?” except maybe D. he seems to know whats up. considering he beat me up in your hallway

bizKoti says:
ahahahahahahah yup

elle says:
fucker knows how to party

elle says:
and by party i mean break the law.

bizKoti says:
he rules

elle says:
we need to get R. to come hang with me you and D.

elle says:
bring him to the dark side

bizKoti says:
ahahahaha so many bad things will happen

elle says:
your bed was smacking against the floor and walls

bizKoti says:
oh no!

elle says:
and you were screaming bloody murder

elle says:
sweet, sexy, bloody murder

elle says:
and he was spanking the shit out of you

elle says:
you were being naughty, bizKoti.

bizKoti says:
i didnt think we were that loud

bizKoti says:
HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?!

elle says:
are you fucked? i knew exactly when he was fucking you harder and faster

bizKoti says:
ahahahah. fuuck

elle says:
hahahahahah

elle says:
“oh… wait… wow theyre done…”

elle says:
NOPE

elle says:
SMACK SMACK AAAAAAAAAAAAH UUUUUUUUURGH SLAM BANG BANG AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, grunt.

bizKoti says:
ahahahahahahahahahahha

bizKoti says:
was ben still here at this point?

elle says:
NO!

bizKoti says:
phew

elle says:
he left as soon as you guys went upstairs because i wouldnt fucking big spoon him

bizKoti says:
ahahahahahha

if sex makes you uncomfortable, you might want to leave. also? avatar!

*scene* andy is driving us to the movie theatre to see avatar

me: what are we doing friday night?

andy: i’m not sure… i’m working late. what do you feel like doing when i’m home?

me: well we haven’t slept together in over a week because things have been so busy.

andy: ooooooooh. a sex date!

me: sure.

andy: well, can we watch home alone 2?

me: can you sit on my face? 

*end scene*

there are a few things to mention about this conversation:

1. i have needs, and they will be met.
2. my boyfriend loves macaulay culkin more than me.
3. the first time i asked him to sit on my face, he looked at me shocked, and then totally high fived me. it’s like dating my best friend, only he’s this super hot, funny dude i get to sleep with and high five after sex. plus he’s warm at night and he’s really good at holding hands.

anyway, so we saw avatar. and i’m not going to spoil anything except i have to say that i LOVED the movie, and also this:

… because i’m creepy

productivity @ work.

after almost peeing my pants from laughter thanks to barefoot foodie’s post, this conversation immediately ensued:

me: “do you think we could call the gas guy over to light the fireplace pilot? considering it’s the only room in the house with a consistent temperature of -15 AT ALL TIMES. also, KY intense, please.”

the boyfriend: (no answer)

technology/sex life fail.

also: i’m paraphrasing. by “KY intense, please”… i actually included some sweet references to “sex fairies” and added such words as “demanded” and “best” and … you know.

hi, i’m classy.