i spoke out – violence unsilenced

today, you can find me here

… a huge thank you to maggie and the VU team for giving me (and hundreds of others) a safe place to share my (our) story.

i am incredibly blessed for the huge amount of support: the outreach, the love, the constant reminder that i am not alone.

thank you… a million times thank you.

xx

– e


for more posts on the subject posted on my own blog, go here

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thirty facts


picture by julie hope

1. i have an irrational fear of the dark, i.e. i start having panic attacks and shut my eyes until i can turn a light on. i actually spent the better part of my teenage years sleeping with lights & the tv on… it’s a little better now, only slightly.

2. i fall in love with cities i’ve never been to. i think it started when i was sixteen and began reading the blog of a previously heroin-addicted twenty-one-year old living in portland. i loved everything about her- her wardrobe, her taste in music, the way she described her love life, and the beauty of her city. her self-destructive life was so appealing and punk rock- until it became my reality and i finally understood the sadness in her words.

3. i honestly believe the only reason i was put on this earth is to become a mother; my ideal job would be a stay-at-home mom.

4. i hate watching people eat peanut butter on its own. a lot of my friends open the little packages of it while we wait for breakfast at the diner, and it makes me heave a little. i don’t know why, considering how much i love peanut butter.

5. i’m particular when it comes to how my food is placed on my plate- especially with breakfast foods. when i get my plate at a restaurant, i rearrange it to my liking.

6. i get really emotionally attached to songs, and bands. if a song means something to me, i can listen to it a million times on repeat and not get sick of it (on my twenty first birthday, dan danced with me in my living room until well past 4 in the morning, singing “temptation” by new order to me, on repeat, for hours). i cry almost every single time i listen to cat power, i can relate to every single tegan & sara song ever written, and ani difranco got me through the majority of my relationship with m.

7. when i sleep away from home, i get separation anxiety from my cat.

8. my chest piece is one of the most sentimental pieces i have tattooed on my body. i thought of the idea when i was still with m– and i promised myself it would be completed when i finally left him. mission accomplished.

9. i talk about butts, farts, poo, masturbation, sex, and my vagina a lot. too much, actually.

10. second to being a mom, i cannot wait to become an aunt. like, my head will implode and so will the internet, the day i find out my sister-in-law is expecting. i actually decided against moving out of this city when my brother told me he was proposing a few years back.

11. speaking of my brother- he’s one of the people i look up to most. his strength, his determination, his charisma, his intelligence, the way he loves his wife… everything about him is remarkable. i love him to the moon and back. he makes me want to be better.

12. i can touch my tongue to my nose.

13. i have an unnatural obsession with pizza. i like it in and around my mouth. it’s true… ask the nine pairs of jeans in my closet that don’t fit me anymore!

14. i curse like a sailor.

15. there is nothing i hate more than cigarettes.

16. attempting to swim makes me really anxious. either i need to be able to touch the bottom, or i’m using some sort of flotation device. besides, what’s the point of being in a lake, the ocean, or a pool, unless i’m relaxing with a beer in my hand.

17. i can’t peel oranges.

18. i’m addicted to crime shows… mostly law & order SVU and criminal minds.

19. i’m a poor girl. i was raised a poor girl, i am a poor girl, and i have a feeling i’ll be broke until the day i die. i have this awful fear that i’ll work these mundane, mindless office jobs forever, and i’ll never even buy a house. it scares the shit out of me.

20. i’m a sucker for the banjo and the organ, big time.

21. i have a super goofy laugh. more of a cackle, actually. it’s really quite embarrassing.

22. my nipples are always hard… it’s the weirdest thing. i’m not kidding! ask dan- he always makes fun of me and calls me a weirdo.

23. i can’t sing. like, even a little bit. i KNOW i’m tone-deaf.

24. my biggest weakness? chocolate milkshakes.

25. i LOVE being photographed. lucky for me, i have a lot of photographer friends.

26. if i feed my cat in the morning without giving him treats, i feel super guilty. i’ve actually walked away, and then walked back to the kitchen to give him treats because it eats away at me. is that weird?

27. my biggest vice, other than being a lush, is procrastination. on a serious level, folks.

28. i have a huge hard-on for geeks. like, actual smarty-pants. a well-dressed person who loves to read, is well-spoken and articulate, who has a passion for writing, photography, music, and/or science? holy-fucking-swoon.

29. when dan wears a plaid button-up shirt, rolled up jeans, cherry doc martens, and slicks his hair back… my ovaries twitch a little and i actually can’t keep my hands off him. my boyfriend is like, really, really ridiculously good-looking.

30. i have this thing for female vocalists. whether it’s punk, indie, or folk… throw it on, and i’m a dancing, singing, cleaning-in-my-undies machine! i just can’t get enough of my girlie music. dan even got me a t-shirt of kathleen hannah (singer of bikini kill & le tigre) sitting in a bed on the phone, eating a cheeseburger. if that’s not love, i don’t know what is.

idea borrowed from the cutest little miss elycia

i need your help, internet

over the last year or so (since i’ve had this website) i’ve received a few awards from fellow blog friends, i’m honoured to say the lovely shauna glenn featured a post i’d written over at aiming low back in april this year. i see the daily stats, and i receive the comments and emails- but i’d like to know… what makes YOU come back for more?

different posts strike a different chord with each of you. i have fallen in love this website- i love the friends and acquaintances i’ve made, i adore my loyal readers, and i look forward to writing here as often as i can.

so much has happened in 2010- from my breakup (almost one year ago) with andy, to homelessness, to unemployment, to a few months of non-stop partying, to casual dating, to meaningingless fucking, and now… to an awesome relationship. i’ve quit a job, and hunted for a new one. i slept on couches, in my parents’ office, on the floor. i paid for moving trucks, expensive furniture, and more beer than i can imagine. i’ve gotten tattooed, dumped, and emotionally lost. i have run to and from m for comfort. i have talked about domestic violence, sex, abortion. i’ve laughed, i’ve cried, and i’ve hurt in ways i still have trouble expressing… and all of you have been here to read it, over and over. to witness it. to congratulate me when i succeed, and offer your kind words when i fall.

i have never held back on this website- and i’m not about to start now.

what posts do you like?
– 30 day blog challenge, posts about my past with m, weekly blackberry picture updates, mindless daily banter, party pictures, my tattoo tour, funny things my boyfriend says, happy posts, sad posts, funny posts…

what would you like to see more of? what would you like to see less of? what were some of your favourite posts? do you have any suggestions? are there subjects you’d like me to approach, or pictures you’d like to see?

please! tell me what you like, and i’d be glad to feature more of it for you.

in which i talk about my butt, etc

i was going to do a million things last night and ended up doing basically nothing instead.

i hung out at the doctor’s office for almost two hours (weee! my favourite place in the world!) the one doctor i normally get is so awesome. i talk to him like he’s sixteen and his facial expressions are hilarious. at this point? i’m a regular. we hungout in the main office and he gave me copies of my tox screens to show that yes, i’m totally dying… and THIS is why,etc. he sent me off with a new prescription and told me to head back in ten days if i didn’t feel better. GREAT! i have a date with my doctor. my usual pharmacist was all, aw dude? again? bummer. she gave me a sympathetic look and gave me the low-down on the new meds. the new pills warn me to “avoid polonged exposure to the sun, or sunlamps”, and to “avoid calcium, iron, or multivitamins 6 hours before and 2 hours after this medication”

PERFECT! so i can’t leave my house, or eat… uh… anything healthy?

she also emphasized on the NO DAIRY thing 2 hours before and 2 hours after taking the pill. uh, lady? i can basically yell at the toilet from my mouth, OR my ass ANYWHERE at this point. my body is dead- you think i care about these things? as long as i look cute when i’m crying on the toilet, that’s really all i care.

no but actually i can’t even pee in public without squirming. people can HEAR THE LIQUIDS coming out of my VAGINA.

creepy.

my immune system was compromised a few years ago and it seems that since then? my body just can’t function. i catch the smallest virus and it turns into a full-blown infection within hours. and then it takes multiple visits to the doctors, different prescribed medication, and tons of money flushed down the drain trying to find medication my body can process. i get something new every other week! how do these things happen?! and why can’t my body cut me a break?

anyway, by the time i was finished with the doctor’s office and pharmacy, it was almost 8pm… (i get off work at 5). i headed home and dan came over for TV night. i baked us some tuna casserole and apple turnovers and we watched intervention, the food network, and most of let’s go to prison (with will arnett)- if you haven’t seen this yet, DO IT. i was crying from laughter. i put curlers in, painted my nails, and went to bed around 11. dan stayed up most of the night drinking beer, eating chips, and scream-laughing at scarface. when i woke up this morning i noticed that he’d shut the curtains in the living room, turned off the tv in my bedroom, and passed out in all his clothes on top of the blanket next to me.

a drunk dan is a good dan.

anyway, it was a nice relaxing night and definitely the night in i needed with a good friend. dan doesn’t open up much- and when he does he usually finds a way to say things to make everyone uncomfortable (he’s funny like that), but he’s been really good lately. i was scooping some casserole into his bowl and he was looking down and said, “you know, i’m really glad i never met your ex-boyfriend”. that’s it. took his bowl and walked to the living room. i love that kid.

moose vladimir was being handsome as always- watching for downtown monsters

tuna casserole & apple turnovers!

i adapted the recipe from here

this is my version of it:

tuna noodle casserole

for the mushroom sauce:
1tbs butter
3 tbs flour
salt
pepper
1 cup mushroom broth (i used vegetable)
1/2 cup milk (i used soy)
1 can mushrooms (i used roughly one pack, chopped, about 1 cup)

250 grams dry noodles
3tbs vegetable oil
1 onion (i used half)
1tbs flour
2 cups milk (i used soy)
salt
pepper
1 can tuna, drained
1/2 cup frozen peas
(i also added about 1/2 cup frozen chopped yellow beans)
1 cup shredded cheese (i used old orange cheddar)
1/2 cup bread crumbs (i made my own)
2 tbs olive oil

1. make the sauce- i added everything in the order i wrote them down
2. in a separate large pot, heat 3tbs vegetable oil and chopped onions (medium heat)
3. pour original sauce into pot of onions
4. add flour, milk, salt, pepper, tuna, peas, beans, cheese (wait a few minutes, then turn off heat)
5. add olive oil to breadcrumbs
6. cook noodles al dente; drain & add to pot of sauce; mix well
7. pour sauce/noodle mixture into greased casserole dish
8. (i added more cheese on top at this point)
9. spread bread crumbs evenly over the top
10. bake at 350 for roughly 35 minutes
11. take out and let cool ten minutes
12. EAAAAT, NOM!

enjoy!

also, i wanted to wish a very happy birthday to jess!

head on over to her blog to give some birthday lovin’ to this hot mama.

i don’t give a hoot!

my lovely friend chloe has (the cutest) etsy shop around! she makes all sorts of fun jewelry, and my owl earrings finally came in the mail! she’s ordered me some more jewelry and makes custom orders. now that i’m stretched out to 30mm, i’ll be stocking up on bad ass ear rings from her!

check her out, give her some love, and place an order! she’s sweet as pie and really easy to work with.

she also ordered me a pair of plain stainless steel 30mm single flare tunnels.

squeeeee!

oh, hey! i lived! …also, an award

the fabulous cottage getaway wasn’t nearly the relaxing, happy weekend i was hoping it would be- but some good times were had despite everything. the highlights were definitely the drinking games, the girliness, and the sunshine. also, my 3 hour nap, keanu reeves jokes, and cheap beer. i don’t normally hangout with chainsmokers and that DEFINITELY put a damper on the weekend- i have a huge cough, my lungs hurt, and i can’t swallow. GREAT! yeah, yeah i’m whiny… i don’t give a care. now i have to nurse this awful pain all week.

i hate everything!

anyway, this was the view i had saturday morning when i was drinking my bailey’s coffee on the deck:

this was saturday’s amazing dinner! that garlic bread was to die for…

gold bikinis & sunshine

amanda and i ❤

luc babysat moose all weekend and sent me this adorable picture to assure me that all was well at my homeland and the boy was being wonderful as always

in other awesome news, jess over at the bottle chronicles gave me an award!

here are this award’s rules:

• thank the person who gave you this award.
• share 7 things about yourself.
• pass this award on to 15 bloggers you’ve discovered and who you think are fantastic!

thanks for the honour, sugar! jess has a gorgeous baby boy, a super fun blog, and an intense love for milkshakes! 😉 head on over to check her out and share the love.

seven things about me:
1. i have a phobia of cucumbers
2. my favourite colour is gold
3. i love sleeping alone
4. i can’t peel oranges
5. i’m allergic to cats
6. i love to cook, clean, and do laundry
7. (i hate to admit that) i’m an elitest when it comes to the tattoo industry

fifteen bloggers i’m addicted to:
brittany @ barefoot foodie
erika @ be gay about it
bhj @ the bhj.com
emma @ divorced before 30
emily @ emily jane
emily @ emmie bee.com
beckey @ hippo brigade
kristi @ kristi maristi
nick @ macheesmo
coco @ mommyhood & life
nic @ my bottles up
emily @ poppy milk face
sarah @ silly grrl
carrie @ the sweetest
jen @ the trephine

thanks again, jess!

xo

– e

why i love the internets

because nic sends the sweetest house-warming packages, EVER!

i haven’t had the time (or patience) for a good book lately, and it’s totally been bumming me out. i can’t wait to park my butt on the couch with curlers in my hair, moose the cat at my feet, and tea in my hand… so i can get started on the book she sent me.

you are all sorts of awesome!

much love,

ox

– e