my self-respect means more to me than you do (or at least it used to)

i remember the beer caught in my throat
and the lonely comfort of my only winter coat
i could tell you exactly when i fell
it was back when i did not know you so well

– pony up

i have felt stuck for 6 months; trapped in what i thought could potentially be a healthy, fruitful relationship. i stood my ground mostly, i foolishly gave in occasionally, and i ignored my gut from the start. and finally, finally, i’ve let go. luc has the potential to be a good person- i know it because i’ve seen it. but he also has the ability to be a negative, mean, and rude person to me, and i’ve witnessed it more than i would have liked to. i stuck around with the hopes of positive change, maturity development, and paved paths for something i thought could be great. but i was sorrily mistaken, and i was obviously let down.

and what kind of person am i- to have strung him along during my indecisiveness? granted he knew where i stood on the matter- that’s not the point. i’ve made a decision for him, for myself, for our friends (who have been waiting as patiently as he has), for our family (who all had faith this would pan out into something greater)… i’m letting go for everyone’s sake. for my sanity. for my peace of mind. for my freedom.

i’ve always been a boyfriend type of girl. i spent my years in junior high kissing older boys at arenas, holding hands under desks, writing love letters, or having “boyfriends” over when i wasn’t allowed. i stumbled into high school and instantly fell into a life of drugs, sex and alcohol. i remember stealing cars with biz, or drinking 40s of beer in a friend’s living room in the projects. we’d do graffiti at the skate park, drink vodka in alleyways, sleep in the parks. it wasn’t glamourous, but i had the time of my life. i met m when i’d calmed down from that stuff- and it seemed the sight of him made those feelings of danger and apathy resurface almost instantly. being with m made me feel so fucking alive. in the beginning, we’d party all night, and lay in bed together all day. it was the perfect mix of teenage rebellion & young love. i had it all.

and when i wasn’t with m, i toyed around with older boys, had flings in different cities, and genuinely couldn’t find it in me to give a shit about anyone who wasn’t m. until andy- and with andy came a mixed feeling of relief and resentment. i missed the danger, and i missed the feeling of not knowing what came next. and by the same token, i couldn’t be happier to wake up to the same person everyday- to someone who lived to make me happy. i had never been in a better, more stable place in my life.

i’ve gotten over the lifestyle i had before and during my relationship with m. living that lifestyle now is only rebelling against myself- i’ve lived a life with andy that opened my eyes to what i want in the future. and since leaving him and our beautiful home, couch hopping and drinking myself into oblivion and fucking B. so i could feel something- anything… i’ve finally figured out what i wanted.

maybe i stuck around for luc and i’s bullshit rollercoaster of misunderstood emotions because i was lost. i saw something in him i thought i wanted, and i was stupid enough to let it lead both of our lives. i should have known to trust my gut from the get-go; to not give into feelings i know are superficial.

he’s an idiot if he thinks for a minute i never cared. i spent every waking moment talking to him, about him, or spending time with him. i was hoping so badly that i could have a change of heart, accept him for who he is, and just be with him. and although his heart of gold helped me realize how selfless he can be- it also made me see a side of him i wish i’d never gotten to know at all.

i can’t count the amount of times he told me we were ruining each others’ lives. it may have been a joke at the time, but deep down i think both of us knew it was true. i’ve been holding back when i meet new people- refusing to let my emotions with them get the best of me because of the man at home who was waiting for me, so patiently. maybe down the road i’ll kick myself for letting go the one person who stuck around through everything in hopes i’d give in. maybe i’ll kick myself for giving up a chance at building a family, again. another chance i had at letting someone in and seeing the real me- the me that has feelings and enjoys kissing and waking up next to someone- sharing my life with someone.

maybe…

but i’ve been sticking to “maybe” since i was a kid, and i’m sick of basing my life on what if’s… the last time i used schrödinger’s thought experiment as a means to making my decision, i got horribly burned- needless to say, the cat was very much dead, and i’ve never been good at quantum mechanics anyway.

my point is this: i’m moving on for me. i can’t keep tip-toe-ing around people’s feelings trying to save them, when all i need now is to save myself. i need to be alone (for once), and let the chips fall where they may. i’m not looking anymore… the best things will happen when i least expect them to.

that being said, friday will be my last day working for the company i’ve been with for 3 years. they offered me a position i couldn’t possibly take, and thus have no choice but to leave (with a heavy heart). i’m trying to stay positive though- working here has taught me responsibility and proper business etiquette. i’ve been fortunate enough to have participated in out-of-town business conferences in which i got the opportunity to step outside of myself and interact with other business associates from across the country. i met the president of the company, and have built a a fabulous working relationship with the VP of sales (who wants to reference me to other businesses looking for a young firecracker like me). i worked with some pretty energetic and positive people, and i was lucky enough to be part of the most amazing sales team, and built a special relationship with each of the representatives. i’m sad to leave, but this is such a good opportunity to look for something else and thrive. i can use these tools to be a better me, and build a more stable future.

i never thought i’d go from being the young naive little girl i was, to the strong, outgoing, business woman i’ve become. it stings sometimes, to catch my glance in the mirror and see that i’ve totally given into the man- that i’ve bitten the bullet and become a slave to my bitch- but that’s life, right? that’s growing up.

i crashed and burned into 2010 like a rocket on fire spiralling to the core- and i was so scared i wouldn’t make it out alive. i’m a victim of my own demons and i get lost sometimes, but i’m working on that. in january 2010 i was boyfriendless, virtually homeless, and teetering close to unemployment (because of my drinking habits), but i pulled through. with the help of friends and family, i made it out of this again, and only good things can come from this wreckage.

i need to take all of this and start fresh- learn everything again with a new, open heart.

i’m a single, independent woman looking for new beginnings- in relationships, employment, and life in general.

bring it on, motherfucker.

in a way it’s funny, in a way it’s filthy

when i met m i was sure i had my entire life figured out. sure, he was addicted to drugs and having sex with other women, had inexplicable anger inside of him, had violent outbursts regularly, belittled me on a daily basis, and left me with nothing but a couple of moving boxes and suitcases when he decided he needed enlightenment by backpacking across the world going to halifax for a few weeks to get fucked up because he didn’t have a passport, when i was barely eighteen years old.

but the man loved me.

when he wasn’t molesting my friend in her sleep, fucking his neighbour when i was babysitting our godson, or punching holes in the walls… he totally loved me. because picking me flowers on the way home from work, or writing me cards and love letters all the time, or bringing me on a surprise picnic in the middle of the night totally made up for hurling my (then) 110 pound body onto the leather couch when he was angry with me, right? the nights of champagne in bed in our underwear, or curling up together on the ten year old lazy-boy (our only piece of furniture at the time) watching stolen cable on a 13-inch television, kissing in between sentences definitely made up for the debt i accumulated for having to move every time he found me- every time i lost the safety of living peacefully in my own home.

it’s funny, you know… how the only man i ever loved could be so fucking evil.

andy gave me the world (and then some)… he gave me safe arms to fall asleep in, a beautiful home to live in, and all the hope in the world- and i couldn’t tell him i loved him. i thought about it sometimes. i’d catch him looking at me a certain way, or he’d place his hand on the small of my back when he’d be trying to get by, or he’d make me laugh so hard my sides hurt. i could kiss that man forever. he would come home from work; sweaty, smelly, and tired and i couldn’t keep my damn hands off him. i’d rush home from work so i could get started on dinner and i’d get antsy until i’d get that daily text message… on my way home, babe. i couldn’t wait to kiss him as soon as he’d walk through the door… to taste his sweet lip balm mixed with salty sweat. to hug him and breathe in his dirty work clothes. i ached for that. i don’t think i was ever in love with andy- simply the idea of him. i know i loved him, in some way. i loved that he could make me feel again- every morning i wanted to wake up if only to see his blue eyes looking back at me, and kiss his bearded chin- like i always did. he made me feel alive after being dead for so long. i loved how soft-spoken he was…. he never raised his voice, never made me feel guilty or sad. even when we broke up, we sat quietly in the kitchen, whispering. we just held each other and cried, and cried, and cried.

it worries me that i haven’t been able to feel for anyone what i felt for m. maybe it’s out of fear, or worry- maybe self-preservation. i’ve seen what it is to be so happy and so in love- to have the entire world at my finger tips and then have that person turn on me. to have them absolutely destroy all the good i had inside of me. maybe i’m being selfish or stupid for blaming m for who and what i’ve become- i don’t care. i was his enabler, and yes i’m aware of that- but no one in the world deserves to feel anything less than human. i wasn’t alive when i was with m… i was a skeleton of someone i once was; nothing but bones. the only thing i was able to feel was that dull pain in my gut every single time i saw him. part of me felt okay when he’d ask him to flush the drugs, or tell me he’d want to spend a night in instead of out at the bar… but none of that was ever permanent. he’d beg me to start a family with him, and although a lost, beaten, sad little puppy i was… i was always sober enough to know better.

his on again/off again girlfriend decided to message me the other day to let me know that they’d recently been to cuba, where he was planning to propose, and instead came home and broke up with her. why she feels the need to let me know these things is completely beyond me- but that’s beside the point. i did what any human with half a heart would do, and comforted her. what else could i do? i know how hard it is to escape him.

in any case i guess this is some pseudo-excuse as to why the hell i’m so broken. luc constantly tells me i’m impossible and he’d do anything to reverse whatever pain m has inflicted so i could just give him a chance… but i’m beyond that at this point. i’ve had two relationships- both at polar opposite ends of the spectrum and both of those were rollercoasters and now i’m just tired.

i’m so fucking tired.

oh, hey! i lived! …also, an award

the fabulous cottage getaway wasn’t nearly the relaxing, happy weekend i was hoping it would be- but some good times were had despite everything. the highlights were definitely the drinking games, the girliness, and the sunshine. also, my 3 hour nap, keanu reeves jokes, and cheap beer. i don’t normally hangout with chainsmokers and that DEFINITELY put a damper on the weekend- i have a huge cough, my lungs hurt, and i can’t swallow. GREAT! yeah, yeah i’m whiny… i don’t give a care. now i have to nurse this awful pain all week.

i hate everything!

anyway, this was the view i had saturday morning when i was drinking my bailey’s coffee on the deck:

this was saturday’s amazing dinner! that garlic bread was to die for…

gold bikinis & sunshine

amanda and i ❤

luc babysat moose all weekend and sent me this adorable picture to assure me that all was well at my homeland and the boy was being wonderful as always

in other awesome news, jess over at the bottle chronicles gave me an award!

here are this award’s rules:

• thank the person who gave you this award.
• share 7 things about yourself.
• pass this award on to 15 bloggers you’ve discovered and who you think are fantastic!

thanks for the honour, sugar! jess has a gorgeous baby boy, a super fun blog, and an intense love for milkshakes! 😉 head on over to check her out and share the love.

seven things about me:
1. i have a phobia of cucumbers
2. my favourite colour is gold
3. i love sleeping alone
4. i can’t peel oranges
5. i’m allergic to cats
6. i love to cook, clean, and do laundry
7. (i hate to admit that) i’m an elitest when it comes to the tattoo industry

fifteen bloggers i’m addicted to:
brittany @ barefoot foodie
erika @ be gay about it
bhj @ the bhj.com
emma @ divorced before 30
emily @ emily jane
emily @ emmie bee.com
beckey @ hippo brigade
kristi @ kristi maristi
nick @ macheesmo
coco @ mommyhood & life
nic @ my bottles up
emily @ poppy milk face
sarah @ silly grrl
carrie @ the sweetest
jen @ the trephine

thanks again, jess!

xo

– e

these are the humans i associate with?!

becca’s 4am dance-time hangouts on top of my fridge… waiting for a bagel

kevin, wearing my snuggie THE WRONG WAY (also sporting my pink leopard print panties)

blackout bizkoti- dead to the world

kevin’s pre-party-bubble-bath

becca and andrew’s post-party-pre-birthday-party nap

post birthday party breakfast- liquids only 😦

kevin pouring beer on his crotch, in fact confirming that yes, this one’s for his homies

the montrealers came in friday night and we went to a show down the street. casey’s band slept over that night and we partied until all hours of the morning. saturday was spent napping and cleaning. that night the troops came over for my birthday party. my engineer friend rob made a double sided beer bong that stood about 7 feet tall. i beer bonged a 40 of malt liquor (didn’t die), danced to new order until 4 in the morning with dan, and ate bagels on my fridge with becca and kevin.

on sunday night bizkoti and i went to modnight. i was a successful night until about 3:30 am. i’ll save you all the gory details but pranks were played, windows were broken, bizkoti almost bled out on my living room floor, ambulances were called, 7 hours were spent in the ER/OR, hospital supplies were successfully pulled from shelves and put into my purse (i pay my taxes, dammit!), my sarcasm was rudely denied by approximately 5 different doctors (the operating room is not a funny place at 6 in the morning- who knew?!), mc donald’s breakfast was consumed in my bed at 11:30am monday morning upon my return, and my back was rubbed until i fell asleep.

it was a 4 inch laceration and she barely missed her achilles tendon and an artery. suffice it to say DIS BISH WAS LUCKY!

anyway, bizkoti is resting up at her mum’s place in the east end of the city, and is under strict orders not to stand on it for at least 7 days. luc was amazing enough to stay at my place, mop up the pints of blood she lost, and take care of moose the cat while i was taking care of bizkoti and robbing that hospital blind. needless to say i made an amazing first impression on my neighbours (who i’d only met a few hours previously), and i totally had to turn the pizza man away (who we’d called on our way back from the bar). bizkoti was a champ though, and mostly held her shit together (until the needles came out), and i’m just happy she’s okay.

although slightly jealous that she’s on bedrest and eating pizza in her underwear, watching cable at her mum’s place for a week straight.

maybe i should start kicking people’s windows in?

i’m only half-kidding.

i have honestly never seen that much blood in my life.

it was some straight up CSI shit!

i am basically horatio.

my favourite book

i was always late,
you never afraid,
that we could be falling

all our friends would say,
maybe we should wait,
but they can’t see what’s coming

and to this day,
when everything breaks,
you are the anchor that holds me

and that is why we’ll always make it

how i know your face,
all the ways you move,
you come in, i can read you
you’re my favourite book

all the things you say,
the way you shift your eyes
i never knew there was someone,
to make me come alive

when the days are long,
and the thunder with the storm,
can always get me crying

you can make my bed,
i’ll fall into it,
shattered but not lonely

because i never knew a home,
until i found your hands,
when i’m weathered you come to me,
you’re my best friend

and that is why we’ll always make it

how i know your face,
all the ways you move,
you come in, i can read you
you’re my favourite book

all the things you say,
the way you shift your eyes
i never knew there was someone,
to make me come alive

– s.