an excerpt from honey bee- a memoir by little elle
[Jan. 14th, 2009|10:01 pm]
I think about you on your birthday. I think of you late into the month of September- before it’s too cold for jean jackets, but long enough after gold bikinis. I wonder if you’d be proud of me… if you saw me today, years later. I wonder if you’d look at me and smile, if you’d love me the way we were supposed to love each other. I daydream about the slight curl in your chocolate hair: tucked carelessly behind your ears. I wonder if you’d have mama’s toes and your father’s dark eyes. I think of the smallest, most quiet things about you, and I wish with every ounce of me that we made the right decision together. The hardest part is not being able to speak of our intimacy, because no one has a clue you even existed. You will always be the bigger, better part of me.
My heart beats once for me, but it will always beat twice for you.
sometimes i get lost in the first few pages i ever wrote about you.
(before i remember how our story ends)
oh my god, you guys.
i got a chance to speak with A. about my book. i sent it in for layout and editing a few months ago, so this was the first chance we got to sit down and actually talk about the changes, and options. we got to discuss book size and layout, as well as what the cover will look like. i took his suggestions and worked on them yesterday- reading my whole story from beginning to end for the first time in months. i always read certain parts here and there, but never all the way through, from front to back. because this story is a memoir of the four years spent with and without my abusive ex-boyfriend M., it’s VERY hard to go back and relive everything. to go through those emotions again and remember them so vividly. there are certain parts where i can remember what we were wearing, where we were standing, what the house smelled like, or which lights were on. i remember the placement of furniture, which paintings were on the wall, which position i was laying in when he told me certain things. reading through every word i’d written about M. since the day i met him made my heart ache so violently. you simply can’t deny the effect young love has on someone. in some ways i envy those who never really fell in love until they become adults- until they were mature enough to handle what love is, or at least what love should be. to be strong enough to walk away before you reach a point of no return.
it breaks my heart to realize the only times i could ever write passionately were the times i’ve written about M. why is it that i can’t open my heart, or my mind to write about anything else?
i have snippets of my life with andy, scribbled here and there. but nothing like this. i remember telling a friend that i was afraid to start writing about andy, in case i ever had to stop. i guess i called that one, huh?
after spending the day going over every word i’d ever written about M., i went home and collapsed in bed. i slept from 6:30pm til this morning, when i had to be up for work. as happy as i am that all of this is actually going somewhere, i just want it to be finished.
A. said he’d like to publish honey bee for july 2010.
i used to memorize your hands.
the way the ink stained them, and how steady they were, always. how immaculately manicured, yet impossibly manly they were. i spent so long trying to analyze them- like they were the pit of our downfall. how they touched, felt, held… loved everyone, anyone but me. how they felt on my waist, on my face, on my skin. how so many other women felt them, at some point. i often wonder what they looked like, wrapped tightly around my neck. how you could possibly look down at your own two hands, clenched so tightly on me. “live life” tattooed to your knuckles, as you pressed deeper on my throat with your thumbs. i play it over and over, and over in my mind.
i was barely nineteen.
i’m so lucky to have escaped you. so lucky to have avoided your presence in our small city for so long. you visit me often- in vivid dreams. in them, you love me like you always did: hard, and painfully. you try to love me better, and i always wake up feeling so awfully shattered. no matter how fast i run, how well i hide- you always find me.
honey bee is to be published in 2010.
it will finally be the end.
i haven’t had a blog in awhile… i’m lacking on the updates!
on the boyfriend front:
things are going as well as they could be, all things considered
on the book front:
on the halloween front:
holy cow! what an awesome party (from what i can remember). clean-up lasted two days, and none of the paintings are back up on the wall yet. as for halloween day? i stayed in bed til about 9pm, when the boyfriend took me out for ice cream. aaaand then i promptly crawled back into bed upon my return.
on the doing-things-for-myself front:
friday i get (hopefully) the rest of the outline done on my chest piece, and then i return home for feast club fridays (pizza night!). saturday/sunday i’ll be going to toronto for wedding dress shopping with laura. hers, not mine!
on the money front:
that’s all for now… pictures to come!
honey bee has been sent in for quotes & layout. the bigger part of me is excited; those smaller, more intimate parts are scared- terrified he’ll find it (find me).
this is progress, though!
in other news, the new t & s album is PERFECT. i can relate to so many lyrics, again… as always. tickets for their show in january have been purchased and printed.