epiphany

text versus romance-
you go and add it all you want
still we’re not robots inside a grid

– rilo kiley

i’m not much into spirituality or existentialism. and apart from romanticism and the relationships i have in my life, i am very much a realist. i believe that science can describe most (if not all) things. and although i do believe that everything happens for a reason, i also believe that those things that happen, are very much calculated.

… but the dream i had last night meant so much to me- emotionally, spiritually, mentally. i feel like i woke up and suddenly everything i had ever doubted was right again. for the first time in years, i wasn’t scared. i felt really, really good.

here’s what i dreamt:

i had just found out that m had been wounded while trying to save me (a bullet, i believe), and as i held him while he died, we had a bit of a moment. we told each other we loved one another despite everything, and he told me he’d still be around- that whenever i needed him, to look for a sign and he’d be there. before he died i asked him that he haunt me until i no longer needed him around, and he promised me he would.

the haunting lasted a full year. i would see him in human form and we would talk and reminisce. at one point i was sitting on the couch, speaking with my sister-in-law, when all of a sudden m‘s favourite book in the dream (the book dan is currently reading in real life) magically appeared on the coffee table. when my sister-in-law asked how that happened, i told her that it was simply m, making his presence known- watching over me like he’d promised.

throughout the dream, he kept appearing. we would cry together and i kept begging him not to leave me until i was ready. some time passed and eventually, in the dream, dan and i ended up sleeping together. after that happened, i was sitting on the couch discussing things with my sister-in-law again, and i stopped mid-sentence and told her that something had changed, things felt different. when she asked me how they felt different i responded with, “he’s gone, i don’t feel him anymore“.

that’s how it ended.

dammit, if that’s not symbolism- i don’t know what is.

i woke up this morning to my alarm going off for the third or fourth time- just as dan rolled over, put his arm across my chest, and kissed me on the shoulder. i spent the entire morning getting ready, walking to the bus stop, feeling a little off- until the dream suddenly came back to me, and hit me like a ton of bricks.

and just then i received a text message from dan saying, “oh my gosh, i love you“.

i’ve had a really long, emotionally draining day at work today, and i can’t stop thinking about the dream. and despite the fact that i’m overwhelmed at the office, and i’m not seeing dan for two days because he has a show out of town, i can’t help but feel complete. like- despite everything that happens and all the shit that goes on in my life on a daily basis, i made it through the most awful, relentless, gut-wrenching chapter in my life. and although m is back (did i forget to mention that? he’s back in the city), i don’t feel scared all the time. i’m not dreading his text messages or phone calls (i changed my phone number), i’m not worried to check emails or facebook messages (i’ve blocked him and changed email addresses), i’m not expecting him at my doorstep (i’ve moved three times since my last known address)… and i have this absolutely wonderful man in my life who has given me every reason in the world to remain hopeful- to be happy with myself, my life, and our relationship.

a really great friend once told me “you can hide from everything except your conscious“, and that was the most hard-hitting statement anyone has said to me in a long time. i may have been using m as a crutch to build walls with people so i wouldn’t allow myself to feel that amount of emotion (good & bad) ever again- but i’ve given myself time to heal and hurt and live and laugh and love again. i’ve given myself time to face my demons and put them to rest. and although i wish, from the bottom of my heart, that it hadn’t been m telling me (in my dream) that i was ready to be without him, at least now i know.

you win this round, idealism.

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human skin can be hard to live in

the next time i wake up, i want to be
in a rabbit hole to the sound of you
(making coffee)
– seabear

i had a dream that m and i were apartment hunting. he was riding his bike around town while i met with landlords. i kept feeling sick- like i was making some sort of mistake. he was getting angry and none of the houses were good enough. i woke up feeling angry and anxious.

when i fell back asleep, i had a dream that andy asked me to go visit our old home because he’d decided to buy and renovate it (a plan that was actually in the works when we were still living together). when i walked in most of the layout was different; i was trying to remember what our house looked like when we lived together. he ripped up all the floors and put in beautiful hardwood. he grabbed my hand and lead me to “the love nook”- a room with a comfortable sofa, dozens of candles, and my favourite pictures of us everywhere. i cried as he tried to explain that he wanted to keep a part of me in the house, to make it feel like home. he then lead me to the bedroom- the details i can’t even get into because it completely breaks me heart, it was so real. i woke up gasping for air, covered in a cold sweat.

andy and i have been in contact recently… and when the messages aren’t totally mundane, they’re absolutely heart-breaking. and for no other reason than because they remind me of the first few weeks of us dating. the messages were flirty, fun, and harmless. we were giddy and giggly and happy. and that’s just how they feel now. it’s so easy to talk to him and get lost because i’d never, ever felt more safe than when i was with him.

living alone is hard.

i liked it so much a few years back, but now i’m finding it less easy. it was so simple to do it the first time because i didn’t miss the holes in the walls or the panic of wondering when m would be home. i didn’t miss picking up after roommates or getting frustrated over privacy. but now? how do i go from waking up early saturday mornings to kisses on my face, cartoons on the tv, and the sounds of andy and his brother in the kitchen? i miss cooking together, cleaning together, watching movies together. i miss sitting out on the deck, or making hot dogs in the afternoon (using the bbq i’d spray painted gold and lovingly nick-named B3Q0). i miss folding the boys’ matching underwear and putting their clothes on their beds. i miss brushing my teeth with andy every night. i miss feeling him quietly crawl beside me and wrapping his arms around me after i’d already gone to sleep. i miss watching him work- ripping up the old floors in the basement, or building a bedframe from scratch for us. i can’t forget the excited look on his face the day he came back with olive green and chocolate brown egyptian cotton sheets to match the colours of our bedroom. that’s what i loved so much about andy- the effort he made into making our house a home. the effort he put into seeing me smile. i miss that so much.

give me a few days, maybe i’ll start feeling better about this.