self worth

human skin can be hard to live in

– seabear

 

i’ve been having a hard time.

don’t get me wrong- i’ve been having an incredible summer and a hell of a good time with my friends, and family… from mexican fiesta themed bachelorette parties, to family picnics by the waterfront, to barbecues and slumber parties, and more ladies’ nights and living room dance marathons than i can even count. i have the most amazing support system- the constant emails and phone calls from my mum & pops, the text messages from my brother, the goodness in my friends’ hearts and their willingness to give and to love and to be there for me… i can’t even wrap my head around it sometimes. a friend dropped in last night to give me oral numbing gel for my tooth ache because he knew my EI money hadn’t come in yet and he couldn’t stand the idea of me sitting around, doing nothing about the pain i was in.

that’s the kind of people i have in my life.

and i am so grateful for them, for this time off, for the strength i had in myself to finally make these changes in my life.

but i am still struggling.

sometimes i have to remind myself that i’ve come a long way. that i escaped a dangerous life with an awful man and survived his abuse and our lifestyle. without a penny in my pocket, or a chance in the world- i dusted myself off, and set off to build a new, healthy life. i got an excellent job with zero experience and no education, hopped from house to house until i found a safe place to call home- all while keeping my head above water. not a single person knew of my struggles because i wouldn’t show my scars. “i am strong, i am independent, i can do this”- this is how i got myself out of bed in the mornings. i was barely eighteen years old.

and i get it, you know.

i’m an easy target.

i’m young, i have fucked up one hell of a lot, i have put my family through torture and hell, i am covered in tattoos, i struggle with money, i have been pulled from my own bed- pulled from depression and drinking, and i’ve been told to fucking smarten up and be a real human being because this life business is HARD.

despite all of the bullshit, though… at least i could always say i was capable. i was capable of a good life, with healthy people, and a nice house, with good furniture. and i had a job.

jesus christ, i had a job!

a job i could keep, a job i was good at, a job that allowed me to fully furnish the houses i’d been hoping to and from. a job that allowed me to eat, and play, and be a real adult for the first time in fucking ever.

wait, adults say “in fucking ever”, right?

whatever.

i am not struggling with the time off, or the copious amount of naps i have been allowing myself to take in the middle of the afternoon, thank you very much.

i’m struggling with the lack of income, and what that has done to my independence.

i am no charity case. and although i love surprises and dates and all that fun stuff… i don’t like when people feel obligated to pay for me. i was perfectly capable of paying for my movies, or my food, or my antibiotics, or my mothers’ birthday presents. but when i can’t participate in menu items for a cottage weekend getaway, or i have to skip out on certain activities because my bank account is at -$7.32, and i have one toonie left in my wallet, and i’m wondering how the actual fuck i’m going to eat next week because i still don’t have a clue as to when EI will come in… that scares me.

and i’m brought back to a place where i don’t like being.

to the attic apartment of 148 breezehill avenue, where i am barely seventeen, and i haven’t eaten in weeks, and my junkie boyfriend is out on a binge, fucking the girls from the shop, and leaving me to fucking die. a place where i am sitting in the corner of the living room, under a wall of broken plaster, listening to ani difranco on repeat, trying to get the courage to finally call my mother and ask her to save me.

i know that isn’t the case, anymore. but the thought of not knowing, and starting from scratch again… it scares the living shit out of me.

as for these last few days… i have to laugh off the bullshit comments about being a punk rock warrior. i have to try not to be offended when people are shocked if i turn down an opportunity to drink when the cold, wet cans are staring me straight in the face. and i have to get over this whole idea that leaving my job was a bad move. i have to shrug off the comments about my relationship with dan going down the shitter…

but here’s the thing.

fuck everyone.

(adults can say that too, right?)

yeah, fuck ’em.

i’m not sorry.

i’m not sorry i fucked up with m. i’m not sorry for a single tattoo on my body. i’m not sorry the drinking was a problem, for years. i’m not sorry my relationship with dan ended, and he had to move out, and i’m not sorry i was still fucking him after we broke up. i’m not sorry that i’ve had moments of weakness, of desperation, of chaos, or sadness. i’m not sorry for quitting my job. i’m not sorry for being fucking human.

here’s the thing with acceptance and self-worth.

i’m fucking horrible at it.

a good friend made a joke at my expense, and how did i deal with it? i came home, took off my tights, turned off the lights, blasted daniel johnston super loud, and fucking bawled my eyes out for an hour.

ADULT LIFE!

i’m not used to this. i’m not used to dependence or zero income, or feeling this helpless. it’s awful, and it’s fucking with my head, the way it fucked with my head then. the freedom was incredible, at first. i sat in the park, blowing bubbles, drinking beer from a coffee cup, watching my friends play street frisbee at midnight, dancing until 4 in the morning, going to the beach all day, having iced green tea in summer dresses at two in the afternoon at my favourite coffee shops, drinking mimosas with breakfast, stuffing my face with pretty people at restaurants’ soft openings, chatting all afternoon on the porch…it’s been so liberating.

and now i’m all, “fuck”.

because the money is gone, and so is the glamour, et all.

along with my confidence & independence.

and so now, i wait.

for money. for an epiphany. for a job opportunity that will blow my socks off.

post script:

i am no longer fucking my ex-boyfriend. he returned my glasses, and i gave him back his computer, and we haven’t spoken in days, and i am feeling free and happy and strong. i know now, more than ever, that i want a future- and it most certainly isn’t with him. am i mourning the loss of my best friend in the entire world? hell yes. will i get over it? totally.

on, and up.

 

a small remnant; any small quantity.

it all seems minuscule and yet so monumental- all at once.

i was looking at my toes peeking out from my peep toe heels, thinking about nothing important- needing a pedicure, or another pair of shoes equally as comfortable. i was nervously playing with my own hands, the way i always do when i’m avoiding eye contact. i was confessing something quite serious and the words sort of summer-saulted out out of my mouth before i could even stop them. i had literally verbally exploded and before i knew it, it was too late to retract anything i’d said.

maybe i’m selfish in thinking no one can grasp the pain i still allow myself to feel. i enable myself to hurt so much and let it get to me the way it does. and still- her response? she shrugged her shoulders. she dismissed my pain & loss like it was nothing. like i’d “get over it” when i’m mature enough to grasp the good i’d done. it seems stupid now, but it made me so angry to know someone else had been through a similar experience and felt nothing. how could you? how could you possibly feel nothing?

maybe i do this to myself on purpose.

i live alone, i mourn in silence, i feel sad when i go to sleep, and i feel inadequate when i wake up. i put hours and days of work into an apartment i already want to move out of, and i still hate calling this place home. there was a mouse once and i killed a spider a few hours ago, and the cupboards smell like old toast. no matter how many meals i cook, or hours i spend cleaning, or time i leave the windows open for fresh air… it still smells stale. it’s like some stupid metaphor for how fucking stagnant my life is, isn’t it?

i don’t know how i can play with the extremes of my lifestyles so seamlessly. strangers look at me in awe and wonder how the hell i stay so together, all the time. how i manage to be this responsible, independent business woman around the clock without losing my shit. but that’s the funniest part. i haven’t always been this way. they see the tight orange curls, the obsessively manicured nails, or the tailored suit jackets- and i’ve got them fooled. seven months ago i was ironically snorting drugs off an old book in my friend’s bed, i was drunk most days, and couch hopping. i had no energy to apartment hunt, i was thinking of ways to quit my job, and i was fooling myself into getting my “shit together”. in two months i’d drank away nearly $4,000… how is that even possible?

you see, that’s how i mourn loss. i self-destruct and i hit the snooze button until i’ve dug myself a hole so deep i can barely see the light. in the matter of seconds i’d lost my boyfriend, his family, a home, and my will to work. i had literally given up on everything and i was just waiting for a miracle.

i don’t remember what made me change my mind- but i did. i found a place to live, i put some money in the bank, and i finally quit my job. i had no real plan other than swim, because i’d been sinking for far too long. i fought hard to get the job i have now, and despite everything… i love it. i love the long hours, the hard work, and the stress of it all. i drink four coffees a day, i have no time to eat, and my boss is totally nuts, but i’ve found my niche- and against all odds… i’m good at it.

i don’t know what it is that keeps me writing about the past. i’m so consumed with immortalizing what is clearly dead- i’m consumed with what once was, and what will never be. i am so stuck on reliving the four worst years of my life, that it’s staggering my emotional growth. i have always been so fucking wrapped up in m and his stupid ability to control me, even years after i’ve left him. what is it about being broken that is so fucking easy?

i keep using all these horrible experiences as excuses to not get close- to not let anyone in. i figure if i don’t scare them away with all this baggage, then they’re too fucking crazy for me anyway. how funny is that? you know why my relationship with andy failed? because he knew i was afraid it was going to. granted, he’d met me two months after i’d left m and i was still petrified he’d find me, but that’s beside the point.

my emotions are unhealthy. i am unhealthy. and i need to get healthy if i’m about to let anyone in at this point. i have a big heart and my intentions lately have been mostly good… i need to move past this.

i’m just having a really, really hard time.

my self-respect means more to me than you do (or at least it used to)

i remember the beer caught in my throat
and the lonely comfort of my only winter coat
i could tell you exactly when i fell
it was back when i did not know you so well

– pony up

i have felt stuck for 6 months; trapped in what i thought could potentially be a healthy, fruitful relationship. i stood my ground mostly, i foolishly gave in occasionally, and i ignored my gut from the start. and finally, finally, i’ve let go. luc has the potential to be a good person- i know it because i’ve seen it. but he also has the ability to be a negative, mean, and rude person to me, and i’ve witnessed it more than i would have liked to. i stuck around with the hopes of positive change, maturity development, and paved paths for something i thought could be great. but i was sorrily mistaken, and i was obviously let down.

and what kind of person am i- to have strung him along during my indecisiveness? granted he knew where i stood on the matter- that’s not the point. i’ve made a decision for him, for myself, for our friends (who have been waiting as patiently as he has), for our family (who all had faith this would pan out into something greater)… i’m letting go for everyone’s sake. for my sanity. for my peace of mind. for my freedom.

i’ve always been a boyfriend type of girl. i spent my years in junior high kissing older boys at arenas, holding hands under desks, writing love letters, or having “boyfriends” over when i wasn’t allowed. i stumbled into high school and instantly fell into a life of drugs, sex and alcohol. i remember stealing cars with biz, or drinking 40s of beer in a friend’s living room in the projects. we’d do graffiti at the skate park, drink vodka in alleyways, sleep in the parks. it wasn’t glamourous, but i had the time of my life. i met m when i’d calmed down from that stuff- and it seemed the sight of him made those feelings of danger and apathy resurface almost instantly. being with m made me feel so fucking alive. in the beginning, we’d party all night, and lay in bed together all day. it was the perfect mix of teenage rebellion & young love. i had it all.

and when i wasn’t with m, i toyed around with older boys, had flings in different cities, and genuinely couldn’t find it in me to give a shit about anyone who wasn’t m. until andy- and with andy came a mixed feeling of relief and resentment. i missed the danger, and i missed the feeling of not knowing what came next. and by the same token, i couldn’t be happier to wake up to the same person everyday- to someone who lived to make me happy. i had never been in a better, more stable place in my life.

i’ve gotten over the lifestyle i had before and during my relationship with m. living that lifestyle now is only rebelling against myself- i’ve lived a life with andy that opened my eyes to what i want in the future. and since leaving him and our beautiful home, couch hopping and drinking myself into oblivion and fucking B. so i could feel something- anything… i’ve finally figured out what i wanted.

maybe i stuck around for luc and i’s bullshit rollercoaster of misunderstood emotions because i was lost. i saw something in him i thought i wanted, and i was stupid enough to let it lead both of our lives. i should have known to trust my gut from the get-go; to not give into feelings i know are superficial.

he’s an idiot if he thinks for a minute i never cared. i spent every waking moment talking to him, about him, or spending time with him. i was hoping so badly that i could have a change of heart, accept him for who he is, and just be with him. and although his heart of gold helped me realize how selfless he can be- it also made me see a side of him i wish i’d never gotten to know at all.

i can’t count the amount of times he told me we were ruining each others’ lives. it may have been a joke at the time, but deep down i think both of us knew it was true. i’ve been holding back when i meet new people- refusing to let my emotions with them get the best of me because of the man at home who was waiting for me, so patiently. maybe down the road i’ll kick myself for letting go the one person who stuck around through everything in hopes i’d give in. maybe i’ll kick myself for giving up a chance at building a family, again. another chance i had at letting someone in and seeing the real me- the me that has feelings and enjoys kissing and waking up next to someone- sharing my life with someone.

maybe…

but i’ve been sticking to “maybe” since i was a kid, and i’m sick of basing my life on what if’s… the last time i used schrödinger’s thought experiment as a means to making my decision, i got horribly burned- needless to say, the cat was very much dead, and i’ve never been good at quantum mechanics anyway.

my point is this: i’m moving on for me. i can’t keep tip-toe-ing around people’s feelings trying to save them, when all i need now is to save myself. i need to be alone (for once), and let the chips fall where they may. i’m not looking anymore… the best things will happen when i least expect them to.

that being said, friday will be my last day working for the company i’ve been with for 3 years. they offered me a position i couldn’t possibly take, and thus have no choice but to leave (with a heavy heart). i’m trying to stay positive though- working here has taught me responsibility and proper business etiquette. i’ve been fortunate enough to have participated in out-of-town business conferences in which i got the opportunity to step outside of myself and interact with other business associates from across the country. i met the president of the company, and have built a a fabulous working relationship with the VP of sales (who wants to reference me to other businesses looking for a young firecracker like me). i worked with some pretty energetic and positive people, and i was lucky enough to be part of the most amazing sales team, and built a special relationship with each of the representatives. i’m sad to leave, but this is such a good opportunity to look for something else and thrive. i can use these tools to be a better me, and build a more stable future.

i never thought i’d go from being the young naive little girl i was, to the strong, outgoing, business woman i’ve become. it stings sometimes, to catch my glance in the mirror and see that i’ve totally given into the man- that i’ve bitten the bullet and become a slave to my bitch- but that’s life, right? that’s growing up.

i crashed and burned into 2010 like a rocket on fire spiralling to the core- and i was so scared i wouldn’t make it out alive. i’m a victim of my own demons and i get lost sometimes, but i’m working on that. in january 2010 i was boyfriendless, virtually homeless, and teetering close to unemployment (because of my drinking habits), but i pulled through. with the help of friends and family, i made it out of this again, and only good things can come from this wreckage.

i need to take all of this and start fresh- learn everything again with a new, open heart.

i’m a single, independent woman looking for new beginnings- in relationships, employment, and life in general.

bring it on, motherfucker.

whirlwind

here’s a little recap on life:

dec 20th – dec 23rd:
had business conferences in toronto. met some VPs and the CEO of the company. worked 11 hour days and then partied with co-workers all night. ended the trip with a few too many tequila shots with my boss. learned a lot. made some new friends. pretty much RAN home to the lover.

dec 24th:
did some last minute booze runs and picked up some groceries for xmas partying. headed over to my parents’ house with andy, matty, my brother, and his fiancĂ©e. had a delicious meal, drank some awesome drinks, and opened some pretty amazing presents.

dec 25th:
went to gramma’s with andy. came home early because uncle dick was in town (finally got the picture of me firing the pistol after a blurry night of whiskey shots!) uncle dick, andy, matty and i went for pho in chinatown for christmas dinner.

dec 26th:
had some friends and family (both andy and i’s parents + uncle dick) over for a crazy feast. the bird must’ve been about 20lbs and it fed about 20 of us. it was a wild party and everyone had a great time. by far one of the best feast nights to date.

dec 27th:
went to my parents’ friend’s house because their daughter (my childhood friend) was in town from edmonton. she’s going to australia with her boyfriend for six months! so i had to see her before she left. good times were had!

dec 28th: my last day off. i didn’t get out of bed ALL DAY. other than to make food here and there and to putter around the house (cleaning up after that party is SUCH. A. LONG. PROCESS). being that lazy would have been better if i didn’t owe my cable company over $600 and still had access to tons of movies. wamp, wamp.

so i’m at work now.

i get off on thursday at 3pm, and have friday off so it’s not THAT bad.

i hope everyone had a happy and safe holiday!

xo
-e

it’s business, it’s business TIIIME.

ohmygodholyshit.

why did no one tell me that business conferences would knock me on my ass? we flew into toronto sunday night and got in around 9pm. then we headed to the bar so everyone could get hammered and pretend meeting each other wasn’t awkward at all. i finally got to bed around midnight or one… i slept like a baby and had a rough morning. i drank about 4 cups of coffee and didn’t even change my outfit once. sitting in on all this stuff really reminded me why the hell i never went to college or university. GOOD LORD.

anyway… it was long but it was great and informative. they sent us back to our rooms with homework (fuck my life- i have the memory of a shoe lace). and we just finished a great meal with everyone. i sat next to one of our company’s most important vice presidents. he’s fantastic! i feel very accomplished.

also, i think i basically have the flu because i almost barfed up my continental breakfast this morning and have been blowing snot into colleagues’ shirts when they’re not looking. also? my eyes keep swelling shut. i’m pretty sure the speakers think i’m winking at them. i’m bad at this “business” thing.

anyway, otherwise things are going smoothly!

although i really miss: