get out alive

I let his opinion of me dictate my behaviour for so long.

he would tell me I was insecure; I was weak, and broken, and the only reason I didn’t trust him was because I was unhappy with myself.

and that’s bullshit.

it was all so meticulously calculated. the way he would strip my layers and poke at the wounds. the way I would feel naked, and cold in his presence; the way that didn’t bother him. he once told me his ex-wife accused him of being emotionally abusive, and for the first time in a year, I felt sympathy for her. because holy shit, yes. so much yes. so much emotional damage, and so little care for how it made me feel. suddenly, I remembered what it felt like to wake up next to someone and feel more alone than ever. I remembered what it felt like for it to hurt to say “I love you”. I remembered the taste of bile in my mouth every morning when I’d wake up, and how the only way for that feeling to go away was to sleep it off, but lord knows I still haven’t learned to sleep.

I try to remember the good days, the early days, when he looked at me like I was the only person in the world. when I would wake up to his mouth on my neck, and his arms wrapped around my ribs. I remember the way he would kiss me, and I wonder what happened for him to fuck me with his eyes closed. I wonder what I did to make him jump out of bed the second he was awake. I wonder when he stopped calling me Lulu, or why it hurt so badly when he did.

I wonder a lot of things, really. I wonder why I was willing to sacrifice so much of my happiness for somebody so negative. he blamed a lot of that on me, but the second we severed the ties, that little black cloud above my head disappeared. and so did the heartburn. and the nightmares. and the feeling of waking up empty. it all went away when he did, and it all seems so perfectly clear, now. I stopped losing my hair, and I stopped crying myself to sleep, and I stopped feeling like the biggest piece of shit on the planet.

I opened my heart to life, and to love. I enjoy the sunshine, and the unknown, and the simple pleasures. so many simple pleasures. I finally feel free to be the human being I know I am, and I’m finally lucky enough to get to do that with somebody who appreciates me. all of me. my neuroses, my heavy heart; my light, my need for adventure. he says “yes!” when I said “let’s do this!”, and he puts his whole heart into every single thing we do. he wants to go places, and do things, and meet people. he wants to wake up next to me, on top of me, inside of me. he looks into my eyes, and he kisses me with his tongue, and I had almost forgotten how good it feels to have a person. I almost forgot that your person should never make you feel the way he had made me feel all those days, all those months, over a year.

moving on has been the easiest thing I’ve done to date. letting go is always the hardest thing to do, until you do it. and then it becomes the easiest, most natural thing in the world. there isn’t a day that goes by where I want it back. there isn’t a day that goes by where I miss the blue of his eyes, or the taste of his skin, or the smell of the home he threw me out of because he needed independence- because he was too proud for love.

I think he may expect me to be sad, or hurt, or jealous. the truth is I’m just happy the nightmare is finally over and I have his hands off me.

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