you’re so my everyday
you’re so my sweetest love
you’re so the greatest change
i’m always dreaming of
you’re like my compass and
we always find our way
you bring your smile and
wipe away my shitty day
– ubiquitous synergy seeker
i don’t have an impressive book collection.
maybe ten, fifteen books. granted, i’m really picky with my reading material, but if i’ve bought it, i’ve probabably read it a good five times, at least. you see, i really connect with my books. they make me laugh out loud, or cry for hours. the book’s gotta be fucked up, or weird, or something i can relate to in some way.
i haven’t picked up a book since i was seventeen. can you believe that? how awful and sad.
i used to stay up all night waiting for m to come home… we didn’t have cable at the time, and the living room was haunted so i just sat in bed, reading stories about broken people and their subhuman tendancies… waiting for my abusive addict of a boyfriend to come home and ruin me. i couldn’t connect with anyone i knew, considering they had no idea what kind of life i was living, so i just drowned myself in these books about these independant, fucked up girls who did blow or sucked dick for money. about hippie girls, living with their mohawk-ed boyfriends on the beach, driving convertibles, and having babies with offbeat names like witch-baby.
i picked up one of my favourite books last night and ran myself a bubble bath. i read until the water became too hot and i couldn’t find a comfortable position to lay in. so i got out, dried off, changed into a ratty tshirt and my most comfortable sweater, and kept reading in bed. dan called to let me know he was coming home, and i just wanted to burst into tears.
are you sad?
i don’t know…
i just wanted him to come home and hold me and let me breathe him in. he’s not really one to cuddle if we’re not sleeping, or lay there doing nothing… but he let’s me when he knows i’m being crazy.
which is pretty often, actually.
by the time he got home i’d already been asleep a few hours, so he just kissed my head and turned off the lights. i woke up at one in the morning, walked to the mancave and pouted.
i wanted to cuddle all night but i fell asleep.
well come here!
we were each wrapped in big blankets, sitting in our lawn chairs, watching the encore of jersey shore. we kissed a bunch of times and i went to bed. i woke up to him pulling my arm over onto his stomach so we could be a little closer. i barely slept all night, but any time i woke up, we’d be completely wrapped around one another, and i just kept thinking about how much i love him.
i have this feeling our lives aren’t going to pan out exactly how we want them to, and anytime i’ve had that feeling before it used to freak me out. i would panic and wonder how the hell i’d make anything work- i’m so young, i’m so poor, i’m so fucking broken.
but i’m not anymore. my life makes sense, actually… and the idea of the unknown and unexpected isn’t really freaking me out. i’m calm, even. eerily calm. i just feel like i’m lucky enough to be with someone i share a love so raw with. the love we have for each other, and the life we live together is anything but conventional, but it’s perfect for us, and we make it work. granted, we work really hard together to make it work, but at least it does.
so last night, i was reading my usual fucked up book, listening to my brother’s wedding song on repeat, and just kept reminding myself that my life is NOTHING like it used to be…
“(…)and trembles on the edge of a breakdown. her body is used to hangovers and it only takes a few minutes for the sugar to hit. then she washes the smell of everyone’s cigarettes out of her hair”
“she still loved him a bit, and it was a pretty horrible feeling”
“she made him think of the beautiful girls from high school who drew intricate artwork on the covers of textbooks and dated bikers on the weekend. girls who looked like they were born bored.”
“sometimes it’s good to look at something beautiful, and think of the ways it will be destroyed”
“he had depth when everything else in her life was surface”
“i don’t know what to say, but i promise i won’t tell anyone you cried”
“it was hard to believe the sweetness hadn’t gotten beaten out of her, all things considered”
“she was amazed that two people could feel so alive right there in the heart of the city”
…and am i ever fucking glad for that.