to be alone (with you)

he came into the bedroom as i was getting ready for bed… turning on some mindless television and putting my glasses on. he wrapped his arms around my ribs, and kissed the back of my neck, “stop it”, he kept saying. i stood there, my arms draped to the side of my body, so furious i didn’t even want to hug back. when i finally let go, i sighed, slammed the door behind him, got into bed, and laid on my back staring at the ceiling.

no one said it would be easy- but no one said it’d be this fucking hard, either.

there are so many good things about our relationship that should outweigh the bad, and yet they don’t. i’m always so frustrated and angry- partly with him for being so disconnected, and partly with myself for being too needy.

we both have issues, and being best friends we knew this before we commited to each other, and yet we’re both struggling. we have one full day together per week- and even then we’re so busy with life that we don’t necessarily get to spend that time together. we’re on opposite schedules: i sleep when he’s awake, and he sleeps when i’m at work. we barely have time to be around one another, and when we do, one of us is too tired to make the effort to really connect. and that’s what bothers me most. he’s so exhausted from insomnia and work- he falls asleep at six in the morning, and wakes up thirty minutes before work- leaving no time for chores, eating, doing groceries, getting fresh air… you know, BEING A HUMAN. i feel like i’m supporting a teenager when i should be on a team with my significant other, and it’s killing us.

i’m in love with a ghost.

and i’m seeing a patern, here. i commit to people who are emotionally (and physically) unavailable. m would disappear for days at a time on his binges, andy was a workaholic, and dan and i lead polar opposite lives. i’m always left to my own devices… i cook meals alone, i do chores alone, i do groceries alone. i spend all my free time napping with the cat, or seeing my friends… alone. i fall asleep in our bed alone. i go to parties alone, family functions alone. i miss out on couples’ getaways, vacations, or gatherings because, surprise! i’m alone. and it’s not his fault, i know… i just didn’t realize it would affect me the way it has been.

i thought falling in love with my best friend would be easy… but sometimes between the beer shot-gunning, and calling each other “bud”, or slapping fives when we make a funny joke at each others’ expense, we forget to be a couple. we forget to go on dates, or hold hands under the covers at home, or kiss with tongue. i forget sometimes, that he’s more than some piece of ass i get to screw when i’m drunk, and go to breakfast with in the morning. he’s also my partner, my boyfriend.

and although i was programmed to expect the worst, pour my heart out and get slapped back with ugly repercussions, he thanked me. i laid there all teary and boogery and he thanked me for opening up and trying to make this work instead of just giving up. and after we joked about using my tears as lubrication, we laid in bed holding each other, kissing really slowly, and breathing each other in. he gently grazed my back with his fingertips (something he’s never done) up and down, as i closed my eyes as i cuddled into his neck- that soft spot between his earlobe and jaw.

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8 thoughts on “to be alone (with you)

    • thanks jess- and you’re right. it’s hard right now with the stress of money, moving, school, figuring out how to do everything. but at least we are disgustingly devoted to one another and making it work. people make it work all the time, we just need to keep being so patient and supportive. xo

    • you and i both know that being in “that place” isn’t worth it if the lows are so low they destroy us. because “that place”, isn’t a real place when you’re there with an abuser. it sucks to realise that, but you need to believe me when i tell you that being in that place with a good human being who genuinely loves you… is so, so, so worth the wait.

  1. Is it bad that I kinda feel envious, if I was fighting with someone it would mean there is someone there with an emotional connection to me to fight with?

    Everything being so hard sounds so….well hard. But you are so happy, and you know that even when you are sad and angry. That means so much! *hugs*

    • i completely know what you mean. that’s a huge reason i stuck around with m… despite the lows being so, so low- at least i had someone to fight with. is that awful? i guess after four years i didn’t know how to be on my own (i definitely knew how to be alone).

      being on your own is tough- that being said though, it makes it that much better to have someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. and you’ll find that… it’s worth the wait. and someone who has as much love insider her as you do? yeah, i’m not worried.

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