my self-respect means more to me than you do (or at least it used to)

i remember the beer caught in my throat
and the lonely comfort of my only winter coat
i could tell you exactly when i fell
it was back when i did not know you so well

– pony up

i have felt stuck for 6 months; trapped in what i thought could potentially be a healthy, fruitful relationship. i stood my ground mostly, i foolishly gave in occasionally, and i ignored my gut from the start. and finally, finally, i’ve let go. luc has the potential to be a good person- i know it because i’ve seen it. but he also has the ability to be a negative, mean, and rude person to me, and i’ve witnessed it more than i would have liked to. i stuck around with the hopes of positive change, maturity development, and paved paths for something i thought could be great. but i was sorrily mistaken, and i was obviously let down.

and what kind of person am i- to have strung him along during my indecisiveness? granted he knew where i stood on the matter- that’s not the point. i’ve made a decision for him, for myself, for our friends (who have been waiting as patiently as he has), for our family (who all had faith this would pan out into something greater)… i’m letting go for everyone’s sake. for my sanity. for my peace of mind. for my freedom.

i’ve always been a boyfriend type of girl. i spent my years in junior high kissing older boys at arenas, holding hands under desks, writing love letters, or having “boyfriends” over when i wasn’t allowed. i stumbled into high school and instantly fell into a life of drugs, sex and alcohol. i remember stealing cars with biz, or drinking 40s of beer in a friend’s living room in the projects. we’d do graffiti at the skate park, drink vodka in alleyways, sleep in the parks. it wasn’t glamourous, but i had the time of my life. i met m when i’d calmed down from that stuff- and it seemed the sight of him made those feelings of danger and apathy resurface almost instantly. being with m made me feel so fucking alive. in the beginning, we’d party all night, and lay in bed together all day. it was the perfect mix of teenage rebellion & young love. i had it all.

and when i wasn’t with m, i toyed around with older boys, had flings in different cities, and genuinely couldn’t find it in me to give a shit about anyone who wasn’t m. until andy- and with andy came a mixed feeling of relief and resentment. i missed the danger, and i missed the feeling of not knowing what came next. and by the same token, i couldn’t be happier to wake up to the same person everyday- to someone who lived to make me happy. i had never been in a better, more stable place in my life.

i’ve gotten over the lifestyle i had before and during my relationship with m. living that lifestyle now is only rebelling against myself- i’ve lived a life with andy that opened my eyes to what i want in the future. and since leaving him and our beautiful home, couch hopping and drinking myself into oblivion and fucking B. so i could feel something- anything… i’ve finally figured out what i wanted.

maybe i stuck around for luc and i’s bullshit rollercoaster of misunderstood emotions because i was lost. i saw something in him i thought i wanted, and i was stupid enough to let it lead both of our lives. i should have known to trust my gut from the get-go; to not give into feelings i know are superficial.

he’s an idiot if he thinks for a minute i never cared. i spent every waking moment talking to him, about him, or spending time with him. i was hoping so badly that i could have a change of heart, accept him for who he is, and just be with him. and although his heart of gold helped me realize how selfless he can be- it also made me see a side of him i wish i’d never gotten to know at all.

i can’t count the amount of times he told me we were ruining each others’ lives. it may have been a joke at the time, but deep down i think both of us knew it was true. i’ve been holding back when i meet new people- refusing to let my emotions with them get the best of me because of the man at home who was waiting for me, so patiently. maybe down the road i’ll kick myself for letting go the one person who stuck around through everything in hopes i’d give in. maybe i’ll kick myself for giving up a chance at building a family, again. another chance i had at letting someone in and seeing the real me- the me that has feelings and enjoys kissing and waking up next to someone- sharing my life with someone.

maybe…

but i’ve been sticking to “maybe” since i was a kid, and i’m sick of basing my life on what if’s… the last time i used schrödinger’s thought experiment as a means to making my decision, i got horribly burned- needless to say, the cat was very much dead, and i’ve never been good at quantum mechanics anyway.

my point is this: i’m moving on for me. i can’t keep tip-toe-ing around people’s feelings trying to save them, when all i need now is to save myself. i need to be alone (for once), and let the chips fall where they may. i’m not looking anymore… the best things will happen when i least expect them to.

that being said, friday will be my last day working for the company i’ve been with for 3 years. they offered me a position i couldn’t possibly take, and thus have no choice but to leave (with a heavy heart). i’m trying to stay positive though- working here has taught me responsibility and proper business etiquette. i’ve been fortunate enough to have participated in out-of-town business conferences in which i got the opportunity to step outside of myself and interact with other business associates from across the country. i met the president of the company, and have built a a fabulous working relationship with the VP of sales (who wants to reference me to other businesses looking for a young firecracker like me). i worked with some pretty energetic and positive people, and i was lucky enough to be part of the most amazing sales team, and built a special relationship with each of the representatives. i’m sad to leave, but this is such a good opportunity to look for something else and thrive. i can use these tools to be a better me, and build a more stable future.

i never thought i’d go from being the young naive little girl i was, to the strong, outgoing, business woman i’ve become. it stings sometimes, to catch my glance in the mirror and see that i’ve totally given into the man- that i’ve bitten the bullet and become a slave to my bitch- but that’s life, right? that’s growing up.

i crashed and burned into 2010 like a rocket on fire spiralling to the core- and i was so scared i wouldn’t make it out alive. i’m a victim of my own demons and i get lost sometimes, but i’m working on that. in january 2010 i was boyfriendless, virtually homeless, and teetering close to unemployment (because of my drinking habits), but i pulled through. with the help of friends and family, i made it out of this again, and only good things can come from this wreckage.

i need to take all of this and start fresh- learn everything again with a new, open heart.

i’m a single, independent woman looking for new beginnings- in relationships, employment, and life in general.

bring it on, motherfucker.

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14 thoughts on “my self-respect means more to me than you do (or at least it used to)

  1. I love you Elle. You may be like 4 years younger than me and a foot shorter than me, but holy shot I look up to you a lot. Can’t wait for tomorrow!! Xoxo

    • hahahahaha, I LOVE YOU!

      same! message me and let me know when you’re looking to head over- i was hoping to go to the mall to pick up a bathing suit or two since my gold one is so worn it’s see-through! eeegads!

  2. LOVE this post! This inspires me. I can relate to being forced to grow up. I never once lived by myself until I left my husband last year. Now I feel awesome knowing I CAN do it on my own. Yes, the boy will come when you least expect it (like MY mother, not sure about yours, always said). I know you dont know me at all but if you need support, i’m here for you!

    • you’re right… it’s hard but knowing you CAN make it on your own makes it that much easier. my mother always said that… she even said she wanted things to work out with luc, but that a bigger part of her hoped i would stick it out… because that’s how she met my dad, when she was in the EXACT same situation.

      thanks for the support! much appreciated love.

      xo

  3. “i’m not looking anymore… the best things will happen when i least expect them to.” so true dude. im very proud of you.

    i wish you nothing but the best. and ive seen you grow from the angsty teenage elle to the outstandingly mature adult elle i see in front me of right now. and it’s posts like these that prove just that – that you have blossomed into this exquisite individual that won’t settle for just “okay” but that will work and wait for what’s “great”.

    ive said it many times before, and even after everything our friendship has been through (fits, giggles and tears), i still believe it to be true, now more than ever: you deserve the best. the fucking best.

    i love you elle.
    xx

    “whatever’s meant to be, will work out perfectly..”

    • “you have blossomed into this exquisite individual that won’t settle for just “okay” but that will work and wait for what’s “great”.”

      you know better than most that i settled for 4 years of what could be considered okay, when i should have thrived for what’s great. i’m sick of sitting back and watching my life happen and then complain when shit hits the fan. i need to go out of my way to make things happen if i expect anything good in my life to happen going forward.

      i love you too gwen.

      xoxo

  4. C’mon life, throw what you want at Elle, she’ll kick your ASS!

    Hehe

    Growing up sucks! But we’re cool, grown up when necessary! Not the rest of the time hehe

  5. I absolutely love this. “i can’t keep tip-toe-ing around people’s feelings trying to save them, when all i need now is to save myself. i need to be alone (for once), and let the chips fall where they may. i’m not looking anymore… the best things will happen when i least expect them to” – this is AMAZING, and I am so excited for what the future brings you. Great things happen when we have these epiphanies and start setting better standards for ourselves – I have every ounce of faith that what comes your way from now on is going to be the best stuff yet ❤

  6. new chances, new opportunities, a clean slack…. may be a trip by youself… that’s what you need

    it helped me when i did it, it helped a lot… trust me…

    i know what it feels like to be a boyfriend kind of girl, i’ve always been one… but after a somewhat negative non-relationship of a year, i decided to let no man or boy come into my life… i went to patagonia for just 15 days… and trully learned how to forgive and forget, and specially: how to be alone, and enjoy it…
    i came back home with the idea of just taking all of my things and leaving, for good…and found what i wasn’t expecting, friends and love that i couldn’t let go…

    i think this is a chance of a lifetime…. enjoy it elle….

    (ps: if you decide to travel, and this travels bring you to argentina, please let me know!)

    • oh wow! if i had the money to travel i would DEFINITELY do it, and if i ever head to argentina you’ll be the first to know!

      but at this point i need to focus on attainable dreams and do things that make me happy. i might go to montreal to visit some friends and take some time to myself to enjoy this “time off”, so we’ll see!

      thanks for the positivity- i’m feeling awesome about my new choices.

  7. Pingback: 2010 – a (super long) recap « elle

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