in a way it’s funny, in a way it’s filthy

when i met m i was sure i had my entire life figured out. sure, he was addicted to drugs and having sex with other women, had inexplicable anger inside of him, had violent outbursts regularly, belittled me on a daily basis, and left me with nothing but a couple of moving boxes and suitcases when he decided he needed enlightenment by backpacking across the world going to halifax for a few weeks to get fucked up because he didn’t have a passport, when i was barely eighteen years old.

but the man loved me.

when he wasn’t molesting my friend in her sleep, fucking his neighbour when i was babysitting our godson, or punching holes in the walls… he totally loved me. because picking me flowers on the way home from work, or writing me cards and love letters all the time, or bringing me on a surprise picnic in the middle of the night totally made up for hurling my (then) 110 pound body onto the leather couch when he was angry with me, right? the nights of champagne in bed in our underwear, or curling up together on the ten year old lazy-boy (our only piece of furniture at the time) watching stolen cable on a 13-inch television, kissing in between sentences definitely made up for the debt i accumulated for having to move every time he found me- every time i lost the safety of living peacefully in my own home.

it’s funny, you know… how the only man i ever loved could be so fucking evil.

andy gave me the world (and then some)… he gave me safe arms to fall asleep in, a beautiful home to live in, and all the hope in the world- and i couldn’t tell him i loved him. i thought about it sometimes. i’d catch him looking at me a certain way, or he’d place his hand on the small of my back when he’d be trying to get by, or he’d make me laugh so hard my sides hurt. i could kiss that man forever. he would come home from work; sweaty, smelly, and tired and i couldn’t keep my damn hands off him. i’d rush home from work so i could get started on dinner and i’d get antsy until i’d get that daily text message… on my way home, babe. i couldn’t wait to kiss him as soon as he’d walk through the door… to taste his sweet lip balm mixed with salty sweat. to hug him and breathe in his dirty work clothes. i ached for that. i don’t think i was ever in love with andy- simply the idea of him. i know i loved him, in some way. i loved that he could make me feel again- every morning i wanted to wake up if only to see his blue eyes looking back at me, and kiss his bearded chin- like i always did. he made me feel alive after being dead for so long. i loved how soft-spoken he was…. he never raised his voice, never made me feel guilty or sad. even when we broke up, we sat quietly in the kitchen, whispering. we just held each other and cried, and cried, and cried.

it worries me that i haven’t been able to feel for anyone what i felt for m. maybe it’s out of fear, or worry- maybe self-preservation. i’ve seen what it is to be so happy and so in love- to have the entire world at my finger tips and then have that person turn on me. to have them absolutely destroy all the good i had inside of me. maybe i’m being selfish or stupid for blaming m for who and what i’ve become- i don’t care. i was his enabler, and yes i’m aware of that- but no one in the world deserves to feel anything less than human. i wasn’t alive when i was with m… i was a skeleton of someone i once was; nothing but bones. the only thing i was able to feel was that dull pain in my gut every single time i saw him. part of me felt okay when he’d ask him to flush the drugs, or tell me he’d want to spend a night in instead of out at the bar… but none of that was ever permanent. he’d beg me to start a family with him, and although a lost, beaten, sad little puppy i was… i was always sober enough to know better.

his on again/off again girlfriend decided to message me the other day to let me know that they’d recently been to cuba, where he was planning to propose, and instead came home and broke up with her. why she feels the need to let me know these things is completely beyond me- but that’s beside the point. i did what any human with half a heart would do, and comforted her. what else could i do? i know how hard it is to escape him.

in any case i guess this is some pseudo-excuse as to why the hell i’m so broken. luc constantly tells me i’m impossible and he’d do anything to reverse whatever pain m has inflicted so i could just give him a chance… but i’m beyond that at this point. i’ve had two relationships- both at polar opposite ends of the spectrum and both of those were rollercoasters and now i’m just tired.

i’m so fucking tired.

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4 thoughts on “in a way it’s funny, in a way it’s filthy

  1. If you’re tired, go to sleep, guys and relationships and stress will still be there after you wake up. Sometimes a break from all that stuff is exactly what is needed. As my mate says, whats for you will no go by you. So take your break, find out more about Elle, the single woman, fix yourself, then look at other people.

    Granted as great as that advice sounds I NEVER follow my own advice! Go figure but yeah going to deal with crying child

    xx

  2. I’m in the position sort of you were in. I love my boyfriend, but he has been abusive towards me. He has a bad temper. The only time (and this is no excuse) he’s hit me is when we’ve both been drinking. I fought back too, he has the bite marks to prove it. Every time the next morning he’d see what he did, apologize and say he’d never do it again. It’s been a couple months since our last huge fight. We’ve been dating off an on for a year and a half. My parents dont even know we’ve been back together since February because they dont like him. He’s “cheated” on me, I’m not sure if any of it was physical but I’ve caught him several times sexting other chicks. He hasn’t done it in a while like over 6 months because last time he did I broke up with him and then we got back together 3 days later. I still have a hard time trusting him though, I hope that feeling goes away and I will whole heartedly trust him some day. It’s all pretty complicated and i’ve never talked to anybody about this because I feel I cant lol. So thanks for writing this! It’s nice to find people who have been through similar situations and better that we dont really know each other because sometimes that’s easier than talking to someone who is really close. Wow long comment, i’m sorry.

    • oh kaye…

      it took me four years of on again/off again battles with m to finally walk away from him and sever all ties.

      he did many things only once… he only choked me once, he only lifted me by the collar and ripped my shirt once, he only slammed me down on the couch once, he only molested my friend once…

      how many times will we let them do something “just once” before it becomes too much?

      i hid most of our relationship from my family and friends too, because i knew they would be devastated if they knew i’d given him another chance… but that’s no way to live, you know?

      if you truly believe he’s changed, then kudos to you for being so forgiving, but if any of those “once” moments turn into a second time, please… find the strength in you to move on. you deserve so much more.

      apologies don’t replace the scars abuse creates.

      and i agree- it’s so much easier to talk about this stuff with strangers. feel free to message me whenever you need to vent!

      xo
      – e

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