speak out

there are some things i do not tolerate.

rudeness towards people in the retail/restaurant industries, pt cruisers, the presence of cucumber in my vicinity, loud gum-chewing, bad manners, lindsay lohan, bullying- to name a few. i get cranky, and pouty, and i sulk until these things go away…

but there are other things, other more serious things, that i must speak out about.

there’s nothing i hate more than knowing physical, emotional, or sexual pain was inflicted upon someone i love, someone i know, someone i care about- hell, even a total stranger. the poison that must run through the veins of the people capable of inflicting such violence is dispicable. but the courage that it takes to actually speak out (and get out) of an abusive situation is admirable. i’m lucky enough to know some of these brave people, and i’ve never been more proud to call them my friends, and family.

i stayed.

i stayed for three years longer than i should have. (i wrote about some things here, here, here, and here .) i was young, i was naive, and i’d been beaten down so much for so long that i thought i deserved everything m did to me. i was so blind before he came into my life. the most important lesson i took from that relationship is to never ever judge. i didn’t realise the extent of how seriously fucked up my relationship with m was until i finally stepped out of my selfish little bubble, and saw the pain he was not only inflicting upon me- but the people in my life who loved and cared about me. i look around now, and i see a younger version of myself in the eyes of people i know, and it breaks me. it tears me apart to know that these people won’t realise the danger they’re in until it’s too late. it hurts to know exactly what they’re feeling inside, and know that they won’t break free until they’re ready to.

love isn’t supposed to hurt.

all i can do, all any of us can do, is be there. don’t ever give up. every single person in my life supported me the entire time, and i know for a fact that i’d still be stuck in that mess had any of them left my side, stopped calling, or not helped with a way out.

i never know how to go about writing these kinds of posts without offending someone, being too bold, or sounding pretentious. i have a hard time telling my story, or speaking out without flying into a rage. sometimes the easiest way to cope is to forget.

but what does that say about me as a human being? what does that say about the bravery of my survivorship? the horror of once loving someone like m eats away at me every day- it went against everything i stand for and believe in. and although it may not be as severe as some of the awful stories i’ve heard- it is still my reality. i never had broken bones, and i never called the police. i didn’t need a safe-house, and the bruising was minor. but i know what i lived through every day with that man, and i can finally say i’m safe. safe from him, safe from myself.

i recently ordered the empowerment ring from avon, and it finally came in today

i didn’t know if i wanted to buy the ring- let alone wear it. but it sits comfortably on my ring finger on my left hand. instead of starting my life with this monster… i spoke out, i got out, and i haven’t been back since april 2009- that’s over a year. i felt embarrassed at first, but my friend told me: no, wear that ring. wear it proud. you deserve it.

and he’s right.

i do.

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13 thoughts on “speak out

  1. lolz at the lindsay lohan reference.

    also, congratulations about getting that ring – you do deserve to wear it proudly! xo

  2. am crying. Just went back in time and read all those posts that I haven’t seen…you’ve been through so much elle.

    your friend is right; wear that ring, and be proud. I’m so glad you’re out. and you ARE capable of so much!

    love ya.

    xoxo

  3. you deserve it… you’re a fighter, a survivor….
    it’s your duty to speak up and it’s also part of a therapy to recover….

  4. No one plans to be a victim, Elle. Abusers are very skilled at hiding who they really are until their targets are trapped. Even after, they tend to be the ones outsiders sympathize with.

    You are a strong woman and a survivor, not a victim. Truly.

  5. I love this post and that you bought that ring.

    “the horror of once loving someone like m eats away at me every day- it went against everything i stand for and believe in. ” You have no idea how much this hits home – it’s so hard sometimes to acknowledge the naivety of our younger selves.

    Cheers to standing up, speaking out, being there, and being safe. ❤

  6. Pingback: 2010 – a (super long) recap « elle

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