i’m not alone, i’m just on my own

i’m exhausted.

saturday’s move was quick & easy and i’m glad it’s all over. so many things happened this weekend but i’m too tired to attempt a recap. moose the cat kept me up all night, screaming. it’s been a rough transition for him too.

last night was my first night alone. friends have been staying over every night and it’s been fantastic… don’t get me wrong, but i was pretty excited to finally be in my house alone. i got back from luc’s around 10ish and wandered around the house- not really knowing what to do with myself. i started packing a lunch and the silence hit me like a ton of bricks. i love my new house, and i love all the love and effort put into making it a home, but it still doesn’t feel like home quite yet.

every time i walked into me, andy and matty’s house, i always felt at home. the colours were warm, the air smelled of a home-cooked meal, and the lights were always dimmed. the boys were usually in the kitchen, making their lunches or playing games on their computers. matty and i would talk about the day, and he’d usually prance around the kitchen- singing 90s songs and dancing while cooking. he always asked me if i had a good day. i miss that about him. i would kiss andy on the mouth, and then on the neck. he tasted sweet and salty, he smelled like hardwork and the cologne i bought him.

i can’t begin to explain how lonely i felt, making lunch for one, in my tiny little kitchen. i felt so fucking defeated. it still smells like fresh paint and stale air. i want nothing more than to run home, take off my stupid business wear, throw on an oversized tshirt and make dinner. i want it to smell lived-in. i want it to smell like home.

i want to stop beating myself up for making the right decision.

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