you are actually my favourite human.
i love that i can tell you anything/everything and you always completely understand, and you never judge me.
you understand that i hate humans, so you listen when i rage about them. you understand that i like to drink a lot, so you pick me up 40s of malt liquor while i’m at work to consume with me when i get home. you understand that i’m funny so you usually laugh with (at) me. you understand that pt cruisers are carriers of death, and when i suggest setting them on fire, you always agree. you understand that i like to break the law, so you commit petty theft with me. you understand that i have needs, so you bring me french fries in bed and watch cougartown with me. you understand that when i’m not eating french fries in bed, i’m actually trying to be healthy so you make me smoothies for breakfast before work. you understand that i get anxiety, so you take hour long walks all over the city with me, at midnight, on a wednesday, even though we both have to be up before 7am for work. you understand that i love cola, so when i’m sleeping you go to the store and buy me some. you understand that i hate mornings, so you run around the apartment naked screaming about your vagina and how awesome it is just so i’ll laugh. you understand that i can’t hold in my pee because my kidneys are failing from drinking, so you take your time putting on your make up while i am doing the pee dance in my underwear because you think it’s funny. you understand that i only drink juice if it’s cold so you keep all your juice boxes in the fridge. you understand that i have neck tattoos so you buy clothes that hide them for when i sleep at your house on work nights. you understand that i love nelly, so you get up and dedicate country grammar to me on karaoke night (and swing your mic (and your crotch) in my general direction), you understand that i’m a tough guy, so you get drunk and bottle my tooth to make sure i’m not faking it. you understand my love for skate parks, 40’s, stealing cars, and the east end… because we were all thirteen once. you understand my predator eyes, because you’re also a pterodactyl. you understand that i like dumb tattoos, so you agree to get matching ones with me. you understand that burried under all my neck tattoos, i have a heart… so you listen when i actually open up. you also understand that i use sarcasm as an emotional defense, so you never EVER call me out on it (thank you). you understand that the bunny you’re bunny-sitting is stupid, so you don’t get mad at me when i tell it to SHUT UP ALREADY, BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR MY STORIES. you understand that i like to laugh at the general public, so you connect your computer to your flat screen TV so that we can laugh at people on facebook on the BIG SCREEN. you understand that i want to get cute, so you’ve agreed to do jillian michael’s 30 day shred in my living room with me, nude. you understand that moose the cat is the only being other than my family that i am truly capable of loving, so you try to treat him with respect. you understand that i like shotgunning pbr, so you climb in the shower with me to do so. you understand that i’m glued to my blackberry, so you don’t give me grief when i’m trying to sext half of the city. you understand how much i love my parents, so you flirt with them in front of me. you understand that i’m whiny and needy, so you drive to my work with tea and medicine when i’m sick. you understand that i’m a lush, so you take me to the bar for tequila and dancing. you understand my love for cheese, so you get your mother to bring us cheese curds. you understand everything about my past, because you were there to witness it.
you’re top notch, doggy daddy.
and i love you for that.
but if you tell our friends i have feelings, i’ll set you on fire.