oh my god, you guys.
i got a chance to speak with A. about my book. i sent it in for layout and editing a few months ago, so this was the first chance we got to sit down and actually talk about the changes, and options. we got to discuss book size and layout, as well as what the cover will look like. i took his suggestions and worked on them yesterday- reading my whole story from beginning to end for the first time in months. i always read certain parts here and there, but never all the way through, from front to back. because this story is a memoir of the four years spent with and without my abusive ex-boyfriend M., it’s VERY hard to go back and relive everything. to go through those emotions again and remember them so vividly. there are certain parts where i can remember what we were wearing, where we were standing, what the house smelled like, or which lights were on. i remember the placement of furniture, which paintings were on the wall, which position i was laying in when he told me certain things. reading through every word i’d written about M. since the day i met him made my heart ache so violently. you simply can’t deny the effect young love has on someone. in some ways i envy those who never really fell in love until they become adults- until they were mature enough to handle what love is, or at least what love should be. to be strong enough to walk away before you reach a point of no return.
it breaks my heart to realize the only times i could ever write passionately were the times i’ve written about M. why is it that i can’t open my heart, or my mind to write about anything else?
i have snippets of my life with andy, scribbled here and there. but nothing like this. i remember telling a friend that i was afraid to start writing about andy, in case i ever had to stop. i guess i called that one, huh?
after spending the day going over every word i’d ever written about M., i went home and collapsed in bed. i slept from 6:30pm til this morning, when i had to be up for work. as happy as i am that all of this is actually going somewhere, i just want it to be finished.
A. said he’d like to publish honey bee for july 2010.