real stats, good advice, and a movie review!

brother: we may move shortly after. or we might have a baby?

me: SQUEE! please have a baby asap- my uterus begs you. knock her up the night of your wedding. what better way to say I love you than “sup girl, you are totally birthing my spawn in like, 9 months” then you can high five her. 65% of the time, it works every time.

brother: Hahaha. For me it works 100% of the time, never!

also, i should make surprise greeting cards for the knocked up.

“high five!” (open card) “you’re pregnant.”
“your jeans don’t make you look fat” (open card) “except you’re pregnant”
“remember that time i didn’t get my tubes tied?” (open card) “…uh… i love you?”
“what to expect when you’re expecting” (open card) “hopefully not a divorce?”


ANYWAY. the boyfriend and i are finally seeing avatar tonight… at 10:30… on a work night. here’s a big high-five going out to andy’s bullshit 12 hour days! either way, i’m still looking forward to (finally) seeing it.

also, the corner store by my parents’ house rents out movies for $2. so last night, meaghan and i rented i know who killed me with lindsay lohan (attn: spoiler alerts up ahead). i’d like to mention that i’m a big fan of really shitty movies, but seriously li-lo? what the FUCK. i’m pretty sure we had the whole twin stigmata thing figured out like, twenty minutes into the movie. and i’m also pretty sure i said “if scorpion tattoo doesn’t kill her, then piano freak is totally the murderer”. you could have saved me like, 800 gratuitous whore-mouth scenes of you stripping and a whole $2. also your stumps? creepy. i’d like to say that i LOVE the part where your dad, daniel, totally tells you to “SHUT THE FUCK UP, aubrey”. YES DANIEL! i’ve been trying say that for the last 1.5 hours. i burst out laughing. also? the whole twin thing? preeeetty sure you did that before you got tits and lost your virginity. this movie was basically the parent trap, only reversed. with less shots of li-lo grinding a stripper pole and losing her fingers. and fucking a dude who basically never got a boner before.


pops: “is that lindsay lohan?”
me: “yup…”
pops: “do you see her cooch?”
me: “basically”
pops: “slut.”

thanks for summing that up, dad.


2 thoughts on “real stats, good advice, and a movie review!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s